Fall, 2008                               Families Across Michigan 

 

 

In This Issue ...

When Parents Adopt Out of Birth Order

19th Annual Kinship Adoption Festival

Project Open Arms

A Home for the Holidays

Adoption and Foster Care Training Opportunities

 

Curtis, Age 15
C05227

Curtis is a friendly and affectionate teen who enjoys playing with others, spending time outdoors, and playing computer and video games. He also likes to talk about movies that he has recently seen, especially fantasy films with superheros. Curtis tries very hard to please others and very much wants to be adopted.

To inquire about Curtis please contact an Intake Worker at (866) 312-8361.

 

Elsa, Age 12
C05839

Elsa has a good sense of humor and can also be very talkative when she feels comfortable around others. She is described as a lovable child who does best when she can be the “baby” in the family. Elsa enjoys pets and would love to have a dog someday. She is also attached to her older sister.

Elsa feels very strongly about remaining in the West Michigan area. She needs a patient and committed family who can give her plenty of individual attention. A family with a single mother is preferred but two-parent families will also be considered.

To inquire about Elsa please contact an Intake Worker at (866) 312-8361.

 

When Parents Adopt Out of Birth Order
(Reprinted with permission from Adoptive Families Magazine. For more articles like this one, to subscribe, or to sign up for the AF e-newsletter, visit Adoptive Families online, www.AdoptiveFamilies.com)

Conventional wisdom says not to adopt a child out of birth order. Yet there are many reasons why this choice may be right for you— and many ways to make it work. by Lois Melina

Adoption is sometimes expected to create families that mimic biologic ones. Adoptive parents are expected to be of an age at which they could be the parents of their child biologically—even if they aren’t. Consistent with this is the recommendation of many experts that children be added to a family at the “bottom of the birth order.”

But for some families, the age of the parents or the children doesn’t fall into conventional alignment. Couples who delayed pregnancy, experienced infertility, then had multiple infertility treatments before having their first child may find themselves beyond the age for another pregnancy through assisted reproductive technology or “too old” to adopt an infant. Parents seeking to adopt a child from the foster care system often pay more attention to how they “connect” to a particular child than where he fits in the birth order. Those who adopt the child of a relative are more concerned with keeping that child in the extended family than in conventional age distribution within the family.

Some social workers suggest that parents do best when they grow into parenting, that is, meeting and learning about each developmental stage as it presents itself. Thus, childless parents adopt infants, and parents of a child adopted as an infant now in kindergarten adopt a child younger than age 6. Under any circumstances, some argue, parents who have raised their child only to first-grade age shouldn’t attempt suddenly to raise a teenager.

Nonetheless, many parents have successfully integrated children older than the oldest into their families, and many social workers are aware and supportive of them. Parents who are seriously concerned about the impact of displacement on their oldest child or about their ability to parent a child of a specific age probably shouldn’t adopt out of birth order. But if parents are aware of the potential pitfalls but believe that a specific will be a good fit in their family, conventional wisdom needn’t stop them.

Parents who have been there offer these tips:
Treat children as individuals, with privileges and responsibilities given on the basis of ability rather than age. If the child who has been the oldest loses status when an older child is adopted, she is likely to have hard feelings, especially if the new child is immature for her age.

Parents who are not rigid about connecting privileges or responsibilities to age honor the abilities of each child, no matter the age order. The child most capable of baby-sitting when the parents go out should be the one in charge of the siblings, no matter what his or her age.

At the same time, parents have to be conscious of not over-burdening the more mature children in the family, and dispense privileges in the same manner as they do responsibilities. If the 16-year-old in the family is not responsible enough to baby-sit younger siblings, it may be unfair to allow him driving privileges based solely on his age.

Avoid comparisons between children. Work closely with school so that the family’s philosophy about dispensation of privileges and responsibilities is reinforced there.

Regardless of age or position in the family, each child should develop his or her own interests. It may be easier on the parents if everyone takes tae kwon do lessons, but if they do, comparison becomes almost unavoidable. By focusing on individual interests and abilities, parents can develop self-esteem that is not based on a child’s ability vis-a-vis his sibling’s.

When older children are adopted, frequent moves in their past can mean academic skills below the standard for their chronological age. Comparisons between the academic achievements of children are always inappropriate, but in no case should a younger child be held up as an example to an older brother or sister.

Look for appropriate ways to acknowledge the individuality of each child.
Even while they are dispensing privileges and responsibilities on the basis of ability, not age, parents should also find ways to recognize each child on the basis of his or her place in the family. Families can have not only the “oldest child,” but also the “oldest boy” and the “oldest girl,” the “senior user of the second-floor bathroom,” each with its own privileges and responsibilities. Almost any child can be “the oldest” in some way.

Chores and perks do not have to be tied to age or ability. Each child can be taught to do laundry or pet chores, for example. This will relieve the more responsible child of the burden that sometimes accompanies that role.

Remember, any child, not just the oldest, can feel displaced by the arrival of a new child in the family.

The youngest child in the family can feel displaced by the addition of a younger one, but this is not considered an obstacle to adoption because it routinely happens in families formed by birth. The only boy in the family can feel rivalry when another boy arrives. When a sibling group is adopted, the children already in the family may find themselves jockeying for the comfortable positions that they once took for granted.

When parents see the individual needs of each child, being sensitive to displacement without overcompensating for it, jealousy needn’t threaten the successful integration of the new child or children.

Give serious attention to serious situations.
An adopted child with a history of sexual abuse who becomes the oldest in the family may use his position as a source of power over younger siblings. Parents should discuss this possibility honestly with the social worker before making a decision to adopt a specific child.

All parents who adopt older children should take advantage of post-placement services, particularly if they do not have experience with children the age of those they are adopting. Children who are older at the time of adoption have likely experienced significant disruption in their lives, and perhaps emotional or physical abuse. They may have attachment difficulties, be behind in school, or be accustomed to being responsible for younger siblings. Physical development may be delayed in children whose nutritional needs have been unmet or who have spent a long time in a substandard setting.

The behavior of a child with this background may be very different from that predicted by parenting books. Even parents who have experience raising an 11-year-old may be unprepared for the 11-year-old who wants to sit on her mother’s lap but also expects take care of her 5-year-old sister.

When adopting older children, meet them where they are, and throw out expectations that there will be consistency between the child’s physical, emotional, and intellectual development. If a child has the emotional needs of a 4-year-old but is entering puberty, find ways to address both stages of your child’s development.

This is where parent support groups and post-placement services can be particularly helpful. Professionals without experience in the adoption of older children, including teachers and psychologists, may not be as qualified to help new parents as social workers or parents with similar experience. And even if parents have no experience with a child of a particular age, they will, after a short time, become the experts on their own child. Consult adoption experts, talk to the experienced, and be willing to consider viewpoints other than your own. Ultimately, however, trust your own judgment about what’s right for your family.

Project Open Arms

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
- James 1:27 NIV

With the goal that no Michigan child will have to wait for an adoptive home, Bethany Christian Services recently partnered with the Michigan Family Forum, a pro-family public policy organization to launch Project Open Arms.

  

Inspired by Project 1.27 an orphan ministries program in Colorado, this faith-based project aims to promote the awareness of waiting children in foster care, recruit Christian families to adopt these children, and support these families through the process and beyond.

Similar to the One Church - One Child program, Project Open Arms partners directly with community churches to encourage them to raise awareness about the need for families for waiting children in Michigan’s foster care system. Commitment from a church may range from praying for waiting children or a specific child, to distributing information on adoption to their congregation, to hosting a guest speaker on the subject, to providing wrap-around support services to an adoptive family in the congregation.

Through a four-year grant, Bethany’s seven branches (Grand Rapids, Fremont, Muskegon, Holland, Kalamazoo, Traverse City and Madison Heights) currently have an identified Project Open Arms worker. Each worker recruits local churches to participate in the project and then acts as a liaison to shepherd interested families through the adoption process. Any family coming forward to foster or adopt a waiting child from a Project Open Arms church has immediate access to required training and a worker able to complete a family assessment in a timely manner.

Although the project has only been running for a few months, project coordinator, Kimberly Offutt, who also happens to be an experienced foster and adoptive mom and family adoption worker, says 50 churches have already made some level of commitment to Open Arms. That’s not too bad. considering the program doesn’t make its official kick-off until later in September.

Project Open Arms hopes to place at least 400 Michigan children into loving, Christian homes in four years: one church, one family, and one child at time. With over 10,000 churches in Michigan, there seems to be a lot of untapped potential families for our waiting children!

For more information on how to get your church involved with Project Opens contact project coordinator Kimberly Offutt toll-free at 866-604-0115.

A Home For the Holidays

Coming in December, 2008
Check your local CBS listings for date and time

 

Adoption and Foster Care Training Opportunities

Please note: RR = Registration required; please call in advance.

ALLEGAN / OTTAWA COUNTIES

  • Adoption and Foster Care Orientation. Holland. (616) 396-0623 x 119. Oct. 6; Nov. 3; Dec. 1 (MON) 6:00 - 9:00 pm. RR - Orientation limited to families who wish to or are currently working with Bethany Christian Services
  • International Adoption Information Meeting. Hudsonville. (616) 796-9198. Oct. 16; Nov. 13 (THUR) 6:30 - 8:30 pm RR
  • International Adoption Information Meeting. Holland. (616) 796-9198. Nov. 10 (MON); Dec. 11 (THUR) 6:30 - 8:30 pm

GRAND TRAVERSE COUNTY

  • Adoption and Foster Care Information Meeting. Traverse City. (231) 995-0870. Oct. 14; Dec. 19 (TUE) 9:00 am - 12:00 pm; Nov. 11 (TUE) 1:00 - 4:00 pm RR
  • Infant Adoption Information Meeting. Traverse City. (231) 995-0870. Nov. 11 (TUE) 6:00 - 8:00 pm RR
  • International Adoption Information Meeting. Traverse City. (269) 343-3316. Oct. 8 (WED) 3:00 - 5:00 pm; Nov. 12 (WED) 1:00 - 3:00 pm RR
  • International Adoption Information Meeting. Traverse City. (231) 995-0870. Oct. 14; Dec. 9 (TUE) 2:00 - 4:00 pm; Nov. 11 (TUE) 9:30 - 11:30 am RR

INGHAM COUNTY

  • Adoption Orientation. Lansing. (517) 323-4734 ext. 1619. Oct. 21; Dec. 16 (TUE); Nov. 17 (MON) 6:00 - 8:00 pm
  • Domestic Adoption Information Meeting. East Lansing. (517) 336-0191. Oct. 23; Nov. 20; Dec. 18 (THUR) 6:30 - 8:30 pm
  • International Adoption Information Meeting. East Lansing. (517) 336-0191. Nov. 6 (THUR) 6:30 - 8:30 pm RR

JACKSON COUNTY

  • Adoption and Foster Care Information Meeting. Jackson. (517) 787-7920. Oct. 8; Nov. 11; Dec. 10 (WED) 9:00 am - 12:00 pm OR 5:00 - 8:00 pm

KALAMAZOO COUNTY

  • PRIDE Foster Care and Adoption Training. RR, Class size is limited. Training limited to families currently working with the following Kalamazoo County agencies: Kalamazoo DHS, Bethany Christian Services, Family & Children Services, and Lutheran Social Services.
    Orientation. Kalamazoo. (269) 344-0202 x 269 Oct. 2; Nov. 6 (THUR); Oct. 7 (TUE) 5:30 - 8:30 pm; Nov. 11 (TUE) 9:30 am - 12:30 pm
    Session 1 & 2. Kalamazoo. (269) 337-5215 Oct. 8 (WED) 9:00 am - 1:00 pm
    Session 3. Kalamazoo. (269) 373-0248 ext. 224 Oct. 13 (MON) 5:30 - 8:30 pm
    Session 4. Kalamazoo. (269) 373-0248 ext. 260 Oct. 20 (MON) 5:30 - 8:30 pm
    Session 5 & 6. Kalamazoo. (269) 372-8800 Oct. 29 (WED) 9:00 am - 3:30 pm
    Session 7 & 8. Kalamazoo. (269) 345-5776 Nov. 5 (WED) 9:00 am - 4:00 pm
    Session 9. Kalamazoo. (269) 337-5070 Oct. 8 (WED) 1:00 - 4:00 pm
  • International Adoption Information Meeting. Kalamazoo. (269) 372-8800. Oct. 16; Dec. 11 (THUR); Nov. 19 (WED) 6:30 - 8:30 pm
  • International Adoption Information Meeting. Kalamazoo. (269) 343-3316. Oct. 16; Dec. 11 (THUR) 6:30 - 8:30 pm
  • Infant Adoption Information Meeting. Kalamazoo. (269) 372-8800. Nov. 24 (MON) 6:30 - 8:30 pm
  • Adoption Information Meeting. Kalamazoo. (269) 372-8800. Oct. 6; Nov. 3 (MON) 5:00 - 8:00 pm


KENT COUNTY

  • PRIDE Adoptive Parent Training. Grand Rapids. (616) 451-2021. RR, Space is limited to families working with D.A. Blodgett; applicants from other agencies may attend only if there is an opening and there is a $10 per session fee.
    Session 4. Oct. 9 (THUR) 6:30 - 9:30 pm
    Session 5. Oct. 16 (THUR) 6:30 - 9:30 pm
    Session 6. Oct. 2 (THUR) 6:30 - 9:30 pm
    Session 7. Oct. 23 (THUR) 6:30 - 9:30 pm
    Session 8. Oct. 30 (THUR) 6:30 - 9:30 pm
  • PRIDE Adoptive Parent Training. Grand Rapids. (616) 224-7481. RR
    Orientation. Nov. 4; Dec. 2 (TUE) 6:00 - 8:30 pm
    Session 1 & Rules. Nov. 6 (THUR) 9:00 am - 4:00 pm
    Sessions 2 & 3. Nov. 8 (SAT) 9:00 am - 4:00 pm
    Session 4, 6 & 8. Nov. 15 (SAT) 9:00 am - 4:00 pm
    Sessions 5 & 7. Nov. 11 (TUE) 6:00 pm - 9:00 pm
  • Adoption and Foster Care Orientation. Grand Rapids. (616) 774-7632. Oct. 13; Nov. 10; Dec. 8 (MON) 7:00 - 9:00 pm
  • Adoption Information Meeting. Grand Rapids. (616) 224-7481. Nov. 3 (MON) 6:30 - 8:30 pm RR
  • Adoption Orientation. Grand Rapids. (616) 356-6263. Oct. 8; Nov. 20; Dec. 10 (WED) 6:00 - 8:00 pm RR
  • Adoption Training Series. Grand Rapids. (616) 774-0199.
    Parenting the Sexually Abused Child Oct. 7 (TUE) 6:30 - 8:30 pm
    Family Adjustments Oct. 14 (TUE) 6:30 - 8:30 pm
    Transracial Adoptions Oct. 21 (TUE) 6:30 - 8:30 pm
  • Domestic Adoption Information Meeting. Grand Rapids. (616) 224-7481. Oct. 6; Dec. 1 (MON) 6:30 - 8:30 pm RR
  • Foster Care Orientation. Grand Rapids. (616) 356-6263. Oct. 21 (TUE); Nov. 17 (MON) 6:30 - 8:30 pm
  • Foster Care Orientation. Grand Rapids. (616) 224-7481. Oct. 7; Dec. 2 (TUE) 6:00 - 8:30 pm RR
  • International Adoption Information Meeting. Grand Rapids. (616) 574-7919. Oct. 17; Dec. 5 (FRI) 1:00 - 3:00 pm; Nov. 11 (TUE) 6:30 - 8:30 pm
  • Therapeutic Crisis Intervention. Grand Rapids. (616) 224-7481. RR
    Session 1 Oct. 4 (SAT) 9:00 am - 12:00 pm; Nov. 18 (TUE) 6:00 - 9:00 pm
    Session 2 Oct. 4 (SAT) 1:00 - 4:00 pm; Nov. 20 (THUR) 6:00 - 9:00 pm
    Session 3 Oct. 7 (TUE) 6:00 - 9:00 pm; Nov. 25 (TUE) 6:00 - 9:00 pm

MUSKEGON COUNTY

  • Adoption Information Meeting. Muskegon. (231) 733-1618. Dec. (THUR) 6:00 - 8:00 pm
  • International Adoption Information Meeting. Muskegon.(231) 733-1618. Oct. 7; Dec. 2 (TUE); Nov. 3 (MON) 6:30 - 8:30 pm
  • PRIDE Adoptive Parent Training. Muskegon (231) 726-4735. RR; Training limited to families currently working with Catholic Charities of West Michigan; applicants from other agencies may attend only if there is an opening and there may be a fee.
    Sessions 1 & 2 Oct. 27 (MON) 5:00 - 9:00 pm
    Sessions 3 & 4 Oct. 28 (TUE) 5:00 - 9:00 pm
    Sessions 4 & 5 Nov. 3 (MON) 5:00 - 9:00 pm


OAKLAND COUNTY

  • Adoption Information Meeting. Southfield. (248) 593-2175. Oct. 7; Dec. 2 (TUE); Nov. 3 (MON) 6:30 - 8:00 pm; Oct. 21; Dec. 16 (TUE); Nov. 17 (MON) 10:00 - 11:30 am RR
  • Adoption Information Meeting. Royal Oak. (248) 483-5484. Nov. 13 (THUR) 7:00 - 9:00 pm RR
  • Adoption Information Meeting. Southfield. (248) 423-2770 ext. 1117. Nov. 17 (MON) 6:00 - 8:00 pm
  • Adoption Information Meeting. Madison Heights. (248) 414-4080. Oct. 13; Nov. 10; Dec. 8 (MON) 6:30 - 8:30 pm
  • International & Domestic Adoption Information Meeting. West Bloomfield. (248) 592-2343. Oct. 15; Dec. 17 (WED); Nov. 18 (TUE) 7:00 - 9:00 pm RR
  • International Adoption Information Meeting. Madison Heights. (248) 414-4080. Oct. 21; Nov. 18; Dec. 16 (TUE) 6:30 - 8:30 pm RR
  • International Adoption Information Meeting. Novi. (586) 726-2988. Oct. 1 (WED) 6:30 - 8:30 pm
  • PRIDE Orientation and Adoption Training. Southfield. (248) 552-0750 ext. 242. Oct. 7 (TUE) 5:00 - 9:00 pm RR
  • PRIDE Adoption Training. Southfield. (248) 423-2770 x 1101. Oct. 2; Oct. 16 (THUR) 6:00 - 9:00 pm; Dec. 6; Dec. 13 (SAT) 9:00 am - 4:30 pm RR

WASHTENAW COUNTY

  • International and Domestic Adoption Information Meeting. Ann Arbor. (734) 477-0135. Oct. 14; Dec. 9 (TUE); Nov. 10 (MON) 7:00 - 9:00 pm
  • Adoption Information Meeting. Ann Arbor. (734) 971-9781 x 322. Oct. 7; Nov. 11; Dec. 10 (TUE) 5:00 - 7:00 pm
  • Foster Parent Orientation. Ann Arbor. (800) 443-9959. Oct. 16; Nov. 20; Dec. 18 (THUR) 6:00 - 9:00 pm RR

WAYNE COUNTY

  • Adoption and Foster Care Orientation. Detroit. (313) 862-1000. Oct. 1; Nov. 4; Dec. 3 (WED) 9:00 am - 12:30 pm OR 5:30 - 9:00 pm
  • Adoption Information Meeting. Detroit. (313) 862-1000. Oct. 18 (SAT) 9:00 am - 1:00 pm
  • Foster Care Orientation. Redford. (313) 794-5653 x 2016. Oct. 2; Dec. 4 (THUR); Nov. 5 (WED) 6:00 - 9:00 pm; Oct. 16; Dec. 18 (THUR); Nov. 19 (WED) 10:00 am - 1:00 pm RR
  • Foster Care Orientation. Detroit. (313) 862-1000. Nov. 5 (WED) 9:00 am - 12:30 pm
  • PRIDE Adoptive Parent Training. Redford. (800) 443-9959. RR
    Sessions 1 2 & 3 Oct. 18 (SAT) 9:00 am - 4:00 pm; Nov. 21 (FRI) 9:00 am - 4:00 pm
    Sessions 4 & 6 Oct. 25; Nov. 22 (SAT) 9:00 am - 4:00 pm
  • PRIDE Foster Care Training. Detroit. (313) 862-1000. RR
    Sessions 1 & 2 Oct. 4; Nov. 8 (SAT) 9:00 am - 5:00 pm
    Sessions 3, 5 & 6 Oct. 11; Nov. 15 (SAT) 9:00 am - 5:00 pm
 MARE is a program of Family Service & Children’s Aid of Jackson, Michigan, and is funded by the Michigan Department of Human Services