In This Issue ...

Placing Sexualized Siblings

"It Was Meant to Be"

A Home For the Holidays

MARE Family Database

Adoption and Foster Care Training Opportunities

As we researched the issue of placing siblings who have been sexually abused, we found that experts in the topic advise for siblings to be kept together with rare exceptions. Whether you have one, two or ten children who have been sexually abused, they need supervision, honesty and love to facilitate healing. The words seem so simple, but as any parent or caregiver of a sexually abused child knows, it isn’t as easy as it seems. We hope the following article, excerpted from an adaptation by Diane Riggs from “Beyond Sexual Abuse: The Healing Power of Adoptive Families,” published by Three Rivers Adoption Council in cooperation with Wayne Duehn, PhD, Sherry Anderson, MSW, and Kirsti Adkins, MPH, will give you some insight and knowledge that will help you and your family deal with the trauma of sexual abuse.

Beyond Sexual Abuse: Families Can Promote Healing
Parents teach preschoolers about good and bad touch to give them tools for avoiding and reporting sexual abuse. But foster and adoptive parents often don’t have the luxury of trying to prevent initial abuse. When a sexually abused child joins their family, the challenge is to provide a safe, healing environment, and teach the child about ways to safely show affection and deal with sexuality.

Some child welfare researchers estimate that as many as 80 percent of children in foster care have experienced sexual abuse of some kind. Sexual abuse involves activity with or interaction between a child and an older person where the intent is to sexually arouse one or both of the parties, or to control the child sexually.

Children entering foster care or moving from care to adoption are most likely to have experienced systemic abuse. Commonly associated with chaotic homes where children are not protected, this type of sexual abuse often starts when children are very young and is perpetrated by a parent or other adults who move in and out of the home.

Was My Child Sexually Abused?
If your child’s worker does not mention sexual abuse, and records say nothing, did your child escape this form of abuse? Maybe. Maybe not. Sexual abuse often goes unnoticed and unrecorded. Children are often reluctant to talk about the abuse due to feelings of guilt and shame, or fear that the abuser will punish them. Few abusers confess to their crimes when confronted by protection workers.

Initially, a sexually abused child’s behavior may mirror that of children who have experienced physical abuse or neglect. Children who have been abused sexually may be angry, be confused about parental roles and responsibilities, mistrust adults, and be depressed or hyperactive. Symptoms specific to sexual abuse include sensitivity to touch (avoiding touch or being seductively clingy); sensitivity to exposing one’s body (being very opposed to exposure or eager to wear scant clothing); and sexual behavior or knowledge that is out of keeping with the child’s age.

Bottom line, even if sexual abuse is not disclosed in the child’s history, foster and adoptive parents must be prepared to deal with issues of sexuality and sexual abuse.

Creating a Healing Environment
Supportive discussions about abuse can start the healing process, but children will not talk until they feel safe. And, while you should tell a child that he or she is safe, the child may need time to see that your actions consistently reinforce your verbal promises of safety.

If your child shows signs of prior abuse by, say, inappropriately touching a sibling, take advantage of the change to teach him or her about proper behavior. Calmly, you might say, “I know you want to feel close to your sister, but that is not the way we get close in this family. Let’s talk about how we show love in this family.” If the inappropriate touching happens again, you could say (again, calmly), “Remember when we talked about showing love in this family? What you are doing now [name in the inappropriate behavior] is not the way we get close in this family. Can you remember some of the ways we show love?”

Because sexually abused child are used to relating to others sexually, and being valued for their sexuality, non-sexual behaviors that healthy families use to express affection and find comfort may be utterly foreign. Re-educating an abused child about these alien norms takes persistence and patience, and openness to questions and feelings. Avoid angrily scolding the child for sexual misbehavior, or making negative comments that could cause him or her to question their safety, or to withdraw.

Talking About Abuse
Some children may not be able to talk about the abuse for a long time, but may express intense feelings of anger or sadness. When a child exhibits these emotions, validate the child’s feelings and reinforce the message that the child is not at fault for past events and is now safe. You might say, “I know something terrible happened to you. It was not your fault. You are safe now. We love you and are going to do all we can to protect you.”

This situation also gives you an opening to invite further conversation: “I know you were hurt, and I know you feel angry. When you want to tell me what happened, I am ready to listen.” Or try a more direct approach: “I am sad that something terrible happened to you, and I want to understand what happened so I can help you feel better. I wonder if someone touched you and hurt you.”

If your child is not ready to talk, let the subject drop. Never try to force a discussion about past abuse. When your child is finally ready to share, make the experience as comfortable and supportive for the child as possible:

• Use a private setting. The child’s privacy has been invaded, and you must show respect for the child’s privacy.
• Assume an open posture and position yourself at or below the child’s level. You need to look receptive and approachable. If you want to touch or hold the child, ask permission and frame the request as your need. For example, “I feel so sad for you, I’d just like to give you a hug. Would that be okay with you?” The word “just” tells the child the limit of touching requested. She decides if she gets a hug, some other contact, or no contact.
• Control you emotions. Under-react, but don’t minimize the problem. If the child thinks anger is directed at her, it will reinforce her guilt and shame.
• Encourage sharing. “I’m glad you are telling me about this, and that you trust me enough to share. I also know that this is very hard for you, but what happened to you is a part of your life and I want to know about all of you. Nothing you tell me can change my love for you.”
• Verbally reassure the child. Reiterate that the abuse is not the child’s fault. “Adults are responsible for what they do to children, and you could not have done anything differently. You are the child, and you did nothing wrong.”
• Ask questions. Though it may be hard to stifle shock and disbelief, show that you really want to know what happened by calmly asking questions about the child’s story.
• Give the child permission to have feelings. Sexual abuse victims often experience a mix of guilt, shame, fear and pleasure. Let the child know that these feelings are normal.
• Universalize the experience. Let your child know that many other children--girls and boys—have endured the same type of abuse.
• Believe. Children rarely make up detailed stories about sexual abuse, and if you are the first person the child tells, your immediate response is vitally important. A negative reaction will reinforce the child’s low self-image and damage chances for healing.

Support for Parents
For parents whose upbringing or beliefs make open discussions about sex very difficult, outside support—therapy or training—may make them better able to address issues related to their children’s abuse history. Adoptive parent support groups can also help. Parents who have experience with sexually abused children can advise a struggling parent how to discuss sexual abuse with children, and how best to respond to certain behaviors.

Parents may also wish to have the child see a therapist. A therapist who is versed in adoption and sexual abuse issues can be a tremendous ally in helping children heal.

With support, foster and adoptive parents can help sexually abused children to survive and become healthy adults. Nurturing families who address the realities of child sexual abuse can break the cycle.

Remember: If you are a foster parent and your foster child shares that he or she was sexually abused in the past, you must make sure that you share this important information with your child’s social worker. If you are an adoptive parent and the adoption has not yet been finalized, again, you must tell your child’s worker. These professionals will be eager and able to help you with the difficult job of helping your child heal and making sure that he or she gets the therapy they may need.

Arius came into foster care at the tender age of six, and two years later was made a permanent ward of the State. Several siblings were also removed from their mother’s care at various times before and after Arius. Because of the variety of behavioral challenges Arius presented, he was placed in a small residential treatment program that specialized in providing care for pre-adolescent boys up to the age of 13.

Over the next five years we saw Arius at too many events: photo shoots, adoption festivals, match parties, adoption preparation events. At each event Arius would go out of him way to acknowledge his friends from the MARE office, like a kid brother you only see at the holidays. At each event we would watch him from afar, hoping that “his family” would find him.

It was hard to imagine why Arius waited so long. He was friendly, smart, well-liked by peers and adults, and seemed to excel at almost anything he tried. From time to time a potential adoptive family would materialize, but for one reason or another they were unable to make a permanent commitment to this remarkable young man.

When Arius turned 13, the residential facility in which he resided increased the maximum age of children they would care for to 14. When he turned 14, they increased the age again. Arius so special and had so much potential that no one wanted to give up on him.

During this time, Arius was enrolled in the Wendy’s Wonderful Kids (WWK) program at Family Service and Children’s Aid in Jackson. His WWK worker created a recruitment team and did specialized recruitment on his behalf, and followed up with any family who expressed an interest in him.

Still, no family.

Age 12, photographed by Kathleen Galligan

Age 13

When Arius turned 14, he asked his WWK worker if she would look for members of his biological family. After a thorough review of his case file, and with bits and pieces that Arius recalled from before he came into care, the worker was armed with enough information to begin her search. Other child welfare agencies, the internet, and even telephone books were all readily available tools for her to “weave her craft.” Within a week of Arius’s request the WWK worker identified a MySpace page on the internet that she believed belonged to Arius’s half-sister. A quick check of the case file revealed that this sibling had been placed with her birth father, whose name was contained within the hundreds of pages that documented Arius’s life.. A few phone book and internet checks later, and a phone number was in hand. Within a week the WWK worker was in contact with the half-sister’s family and they were eager to meet Arius. Ironically, this family had adopted a child from foster care and was hoping to adopt again. The worker’s call also netted the names and location of two other half-siblings!

Arius was reunited with his sister and her family a few weeks later. After the perfunctory background checks, weekend visits began and progressed well. Two months later and just in time to start the 10th grade, Arius moved in with his half-sister and her family – which was now his family, too.

In early December Arius will turn 15, and for the first time in nearly ten years will celebrate it with his family. “It was meant to be,” explains Arius, “Now I know why I waited so long, and why those other families did not work out for me….because this was meant to be.”