by Jodi Rice

For some adult adoptees, the need to search is great. In their book, Being Adopted, David M. Brodzinsky, Ph.D., Marshall D. Schechter, M.D., and Robin Marantz Henig explain, "For some adult adoptees, questions about themselves cannot be answered without finding their birth families." They feel they need to look into their past and understand their birth family history before moving ahead in their lives.

Patricia is a young woman in her early twenties. She was adopted as an infant and is currently in the process of searching for her birth family. She explains that she is conducting the search because she wants to have more information about her birth family's history. However, she is concerned that her adoptive parents will not be understanding of her need to search. "My mom and dad will always be my parents, and I'm not looking to replace them. I just want to know more about my birth family. Why did my birth mother give up her parental rights? What is their medical history? Do I look like them or do we have similar personalities?"

Ron is a man in his mid-forties who was adopted at the age of three. He lived with a foster family from the time of his birth until he was adopted. His foster family had expressed an interest in adopting him, however, they decided it would be in Ron's best interest to be adopted by a younger family. After raising a family of his own, Ron decided to search for his birth mother. "I had thought about searching now and then over the years, but I guess I just needed some time to prepare myself." Connie, Ron's birth mother, had written several letters to the adoption agency and was told the letters would be kept on file in the event Ron decided to search for her. When the agency was able to locate Connie and put the two in contact with each other, it was an emotional reunion for both. They first began their contact by exchanging letters and photographs, and later met in person. Ron and Connie now talk a couple of times each month, and both feel a particular closeness towards the other.

Thomas is a man in his late twenties who hired a Confidential Intermediary to conduct the search for his birth mother. "My wife and I are going to have our first child and I have a lot of questions about my birth family." The Confidential Intermediary was able to make contact with the birth mother, but she was not interested in meeting or sharing any information with Thomas. "I'm disappointed, of course, but at least she let the CI tape record their conversation and it was neat to hear her voice." Thomas explains that he is not going to give up on the idea of meeting his birth mother. He is part of a search and support group, and the birth mothers in the group encourage Thomas to give her some time. Thomas agrees that he should not give up on the idea of meeting his birth mother and hopes that she will want to have contact in the future.

These are just a few stories of adoption triad members who have decided to search for birth family members. Of course, every situation is as unique as every outcome. The decision of whether or not to search for birth relatives is both emotional and stressful. Those who have searched recommend preparing yourself to "find anything." Some adoption triad members have experienced reunions which have been very positive. Others, unfortunately, have not had happy reunions. Some have not been welcomed into their birth families. Others have found mental illness in their birth family history. For every adoption triad member, there are many possibilities which need to be considered before searching.

Before the reunion, it is also important to carefully consider the type of relationship that is desired after contact is made. Questions need to be asked: Will I want an ongoing relationship with this person if they are located? Will I want to meet the rest of their family? Will I want them to meet my family? How often will I want to get together? Those who have searched before explain that if these questions are answered before the reunion takes place, it is more likely to be a positive experience for both parties.

Because searching is such an emotional task, it is helpful to have support throughout the process. A close friend, counselor, or search and support group can ease the tension involved. The members of various search and support groups may also have conducted their own searches and may have helpful ideas for current searchers. A listing of Michigan search and support groups was provided in the last FAM Newsletter; however if you need a listing, please call the MARE office at 1-800-589-MARE.