by Kirsta Grapentine and Ken Toll
(reprinted from Recruitment News, November/December 1994)

The primary victim of child sexual abused is, of course, the child. Emotional scarring is deep, but can be lessened by a caring family. The best possible hope these children have is placement with a family that will accept them as they are and help them grow into thriving adults. Yet paradoxically, the temptation often exists for adoption workers to hide or downplay the sexual abuse experienced by the child, out of the very real fear that the family may decide not to adopt. Workers who do so may be dooming the placement to fail, and furthering the cycle of pain in the child's life.

An Ounce of Prevention ...

Undoubtedly the best service an adoption worker can perform for the sexually abused child and the family considering adoption of that child is thorough family preparation. In their book, "Adoption and the Sexually Abused Child," Joan and Barnard McNamara point out that "the help adoptive parents will need in dealing with feelings that they have as they parent children who have been sexually abused generally will not be available from traditional sources of family and friends...often these sources do not fully understand adoption, much less sexual abuse..." (p. 20). Thus, a support network of experienced families as well as therapist referrals should be established before the placement.

Child-specific preparation must deal directly with the child's current or potential acting-out behaviors. McNamara states that studies prove, "the closer the adoptive child was to the fantasy the parents held prior to adoption, the stronger the parents' sense of attachment during adoption" Child-specific preparation must deal directly with the child's current or potential acting-out behaviors. McNamara states that studies prove, "the closer the adoptive child was to the fantasy the parents held prior to adoption, the stronger the parents' sense of attachment during adoption" (p. 49). Thus, while some prospective parents may opt not to adopt a sexually abused child when given that knowledge beforehand, those who decide to adopt are more likely to succeed in a lifelong commitment.

The selection of a therapist should involve not only the family, but the adoption worker and experienced family support group, as well. Most experts agree that group therapy is often most effective for a sexually abused child; the closed office door and secrecy of one-on-one therapy may unconsciously parallel the sexual abuse scenarios in the child's mind. And since the primary goal is the integration of the child into the family, it makes sense to integrate the family in therapy, as well.

Some family restructuring will almost certainly be necessary. Any adoptive child, and especially a survivor of sexual abuse, needs a firm foundation of safety and security before attachment can be complete. After the above preparations have been made, an adoption worker might want to try a role play exercise to check the family structure. McNamara suggests that the family pick a child randomly from a photolisting book of waiting children and pretend they are adopting that child, assuming the child has experienced sexual abuse. They must then answer three questions: What would this child need to feel safe in our family? What would I need to know to parent this child effectively? What would our family need (emotionally, physically, financially, academically, etc.) to feel safe and stable when this child arrives? (pp. 54-55). Ensuring the existing family's stability may be the single most important preparatory step.

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

During preparation and after placement, the family must hone communication skills. Parents must be able to discuss sexual matters openly and without shame, both between themselves and with the adopted child. The adoption worker should nurture this skill, and place sexual acting-out behaviors in the proper context. The adoption worker must also discuss any personal factors that may impede the family from accepting the child's behaviors, such as a parent's own experience with childhood abuse or any religious convictions that prohibit certain acts.

The adoption worker should also provide a context defining normal versus abnormal sexual behavior. Children may exhibit sexual behavior which is completely within the bounds of normal development, which a sensitized parent could easily misinterpret. The worker should encourage the family to take a "baseline measure" of all the child's sexual behaviors, writing down everything the child does that is sexual (a checklist with 150 behaviors is included by McNamara for this purpose). Parents should take a few days to note the frequencies of each type of behavior. This measure can be used to discuss appropriate versus inappropriate behaviors, and specific behaviors can be targeted for improvements.

Communication must be clear and direct. Above all, the message must be consistent: inappropriate behavior must stop. If this message can be delivered free of guilt, anger, blame and other emotions, it will be most effective.

Other Family Tools

As the family restructures and prepares for the addition of a sexually abused child, sexually stimulating materials should be evaluated and removed from the environment if possible. Magazines and videotapes with explicit content should be removed, and jokes or innuendos involving sex curtailed. Cable television is not advised, since music videos and other special programming can be erotic.

Children with a touching problem must be carefully supervised. They should not be left with other children unsupervised for any amount of time, should never share bathroom activities with other children, and should not be allowed to walk around nude. Sharing beds and even rooms is not advised; if sharing a room is necessary, the other child should be told in a "direct and mater-of-fact way about the child's problems. This should be done while all the children are present so there is no secret or misunderstanding." (p. 80)

Frequently, certain activities or situations precipitate the acting out behavior. The family should examine what was occurring prior to each unwanted behavior and look for a specific pattern or stimulus.

The family must also be aware that, when a child is displaying seductive, aggressive or other acting-out behaviors, the child is most likely to misinterpret a parent's actions and falsely accuse abuse. When a child exhibits the above "high risk" behavior, families should avoid situations where a single parent or child will be alone with the acting-out child. ("Parenting the Sexually Abused Child," NAIC Factsheet, p. 9).

Perhaps the most useful tool a family member has is that of redirections of energies. The child's sexual activities may be a kind of involuntary reflex, perhaps a conditioned reaction to anger or stress. The child can be taught to vocalize his anger or stress, and/or physical activities can be substituted for sexual counterparts. Doing twenty jumping jacks or punching a pillow can help burn off steam; aggressive actions should be minimized, though.

Above all, the family must keep a positive attitude. Encouragement is crucial, and the child's progress should be noted and praised. A survivor of sexual abuse may feel like his body or actions are out of his control; offering children choices about clothing, dessert or what day chores will be done will help foster a child's independence and self esteem.

Resources

Adoption and the Sexually Abused Child; McNamara, Joan & Barnard, Family Resources, 1990.

"Parenting the Sexually Abused Child," NAIC Factsheet;

A Short List of Basic Preparation Steps Includes the Following...

• A discussion of typical behaviors of sexually abused children, and the ways experienced adoptive parents have coped with them.
• Basic information on sex education and personal safety for children. The adoption worker can help the family locate appropriate books and other resources to facilitate discussion about the reproductive system, names and functions of body parents, appropriate versus inappropriate behaviors, and family values about sexuality.
• Contact with experienced adoptive parents and referrals to support groups, helpful newsletters and respite care.
• A family examination of core values, rules and traditions. The family must discuss how the introduction of a sexually abused child will influence these, incorporating what they have learned from other experienced adoptive families.
• A simplified but specific written list of the values, roles and rules the family will share with its new child. This should include support services, and should be modified as the child attaches to the family and dynamics evolve.
• Contact with a therapist experienced in both sexual abuse and adoption issues.

Experts also emphasize the fact that foster parents considering adoption must also be prepared: Simply fostering the child for a few months does not automatically equip the family with the background knowledge and tools necessary to adopt a sexually abused child. The child's full case history should be re-presented to the family

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Computers for Special Needs Children?

(reprinted from the Summer, 1995 issue of Exchange, an official publication of Michigan Protection and Advocacy Service, Inc.)

Q. My child has a learning disability and I hear because of this I can ask the school to buy him a computer for use at school and at home. How do I go about getting this computer?

A. There are many problems with the information you were given. But this does not mean your child does not have the right to have the school provide him with a computer.

Schools are mandated to provide assistive technology, including but certainly not limited to computers, as part of a free appropriate public education. This duty has been established in the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA) by including the definitions of assistive technology from the Technology-Related Assistance for Individuals with Disabilities Act (the Tech Act). IDEA also now mandates assistive technology devices and services be provided by school districts as a special education service, related services, or supplementary aids and services. The duty to provide assistive technology to special education-eligible students has also been repeatedly upheld by the federal Office of Special Education Programs (OSEP). There have been at least six letters of opinion, to date, from the OSEP that have clearly stated the duty of schools to provide assistive technology, to do appropriate evaluations for assistive technology, to allow assistive technology to be taken home when proper, and to maintain and replace assistive technology when needed.

Although not driven by statute, many of the same requirements fall on the district when a student with a disability seeks services under §504 of the Rehabilitation Act. This statute requires any program that receives federal funds (which schools do) to not discriminate on the basis of disability. This means students with disabilities must be offered the same services as their nondisabled peers, with accommodations when necessary.

The requirement to provide assistive technology is contingent on what is needed for a student to benefit from his/her education. This is true whether the student is certified eligible for special education services under IDEA or protected as a person with a disability under §504 of the Rehabilitation Act.

The requirement to provide assistive technology is not dependent on the student's disability or label but is dependent on a documented actual need for the device. This means the student must have a specific educational need for the device in question. If the school personnel do not believe such a need exists, then you must provide evidence of this need from another source.

The best way to do this is to request, in writing, an Independent Education Evaluation for Assistive Technology which should be done by a licensed professional experienced with the specific disability and assistive technology. This evaluation should also make clear recommendations as to the need for the device relating this to an educational need. The best evaluation will suggest a specific, appropriate device, and eliminate other similar devices which are not appropriate. Once presented with this evaluation, the school should provide the device in question.

Funding for the device is the responsibility of the school district. The school district is allowed to seek funds for the purchase in other places. Other funding can include Medicaid, other governmental agencies, and public fundraising. The school cannot, however, force a parent to pay for it or use private health insurance if it would increase premiums or decrease benefits.

For more information about the MPAS, call (517) 487-1755.

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Meditations on the MARE Book

The following meditation was written by Pam Awtrey of Bethany Christian Services in Grand Rapids. It recently appeared in the November/December, 1995 issue of Bethany's national newsletter, LifeLines. Pam says she wrote the meditation because she feels her work is more than a job, it's a calling , a mission -- finding homes for waiting children :

The children's faces cross my desk conveniently:

Bodiless, tagged with numbers, sorted so very nicely geographically.

Their smiles haunt me, covering up years of abuse, abandonment.

They all grin, except the ones too young to know their lives and well-being are on the line, at this very moment.

Yes, at this very moment a single mom has had enough.
Another foster family will list their home this week.
A marriage breakup determines foster kids "peripheral."
Gram's had a stroke.
You will move on
Not quite a child, but just too much human resemblance to anesthetize and discard.
We're civilized, after all.
Oh, the God who sets the lonely in families, builds homes, and advocates for the powerless, where are your hands, your feet, your personified grace?

I weep over these faces. So much anticipation in the eyes, hope for the future.
Yet the naked truth is that these pictures
are now old.
Some of these child will never have a family, a place to go for Thanksgiving when they turn 18,
a grandmother for their children.
These children who will become clothed in grown-up bodies and emancipate, never knowing the freedom of a family.