by Beverly Belcher

Have you ever wondered who you were or where you came from? Thousands of individuals have felt this way after finding out they were adopted. They rack their brains trying to figure out why they were "given up," "why they weren't loved," did they do something wrong? And it's those feelings that make those who wish to adopt think strongly about when to tell the adoptee they were adopted...or if the adoptee should even be told at all. Many believe that a person who has been adopted should be told at a young age; some are more inclined to wait until the adoptee is an adult. And yet, still others believe it is best to leave well enough alone and never tell.

So, I set out and asked several people who had not been adopted, "If you had been adopted, would you prefer to be told? If so, when?"

I received many interesting answers. Some felt strongly that a child needed to know they were adopted; others, however, believed it wasn't necessary to be told at all. And still others felt there are no set of rules, because every situation is different. Those who felt a child should be told disagreed on when to tell: while it may be best for one child to be told when young, another child may best be told when older. It is interesting to note that even experts differ markedly on when a child should be told about adoption: although most agree that it should be prior to adolescence, some experts recommend waiting until the child is between eight and 11 years old and can understand such a complex subject. Others believe that children should be told as young as age 3 or 4.

Many experts believe that it is unfair to the child not to tell him or her about such an important issue. Not telling also forces loving parents to lie to their children, which could backfire on them later on in life. In general, the news is best shared by the parent with whom the child feels closest, as the history of trust, concern and involvement that parent has with the child will be important. On the other hand, if a child discovers the information on his own, or is accidentally or intentionally told by someone else, he or she could be quite upset about this and may wonder what else the parents have lied about.

When talking to a child about adoption, a parent must be completely honest and answer the child's questions accurately. This means saying, "l don't know" if you truly don't have an answer. Just letting your child know that it is okay to talk about adoption will also help a great deal, because the more willing the parent is to answer adoption related questions, the better the environment is for the child.

When a child is young, questions can be answered very simply. Sometimes adoptive parents rush in with too much information, instead of providing easy answers. The thinking abilities of children develop as they get older, and likewise the questions and request for more information will increase as they get older. Therefore telling children they were adopted should be a gradual process as their capacity to understand develops. This means that the adoptive parents will have to explain many times how and why adoption happens as the child becomes better able to understand.

Children also need to understand that all children are born, but not all children are adopted. They need to know that sometimes children need to be adopted, and what the reasons may be behind an adoption. They also need to know that adoption is a good way to form families.

"What if my child gets upset?" A common response when finding out one was adopted is a driving need to make sense of what has happened, and to understand the hows and whys that led to being relinquished for adoption. Many children may feel deeply, "I was so bad [in some particular way]" or "I was so unlovable that even my own parents did not want me."

The realization that biological parents chose adoption is not an easy concept to accept. For an older child, this information may cause a grief reaction that can hit at the very core of a child's self-worth. Therefore, it is important for parents to convey to the child that the circumstances leading to the adoption were not the child's fault. If the child was adopted as an older child, the emphasis is more likely to be on the fact that the biological parent was unable to parent because of various problems in their life at that time. Stress the fact that these problems were unrelated to the child, but made the parent incapable of being a good parent to any child at that time.

As loving parents, always remember to make yourself approachable and available to answer your child's questions about adoption. Keep in mind that some negative feelings are normal and can usually be worked out through open, honest communication.

Resources:

• "Explaining Adoption to Your Child, "National Adoption Information Clearinghouse.
• "Talking to Your Child About Adoption," Patricia Matinez Dorner, MA, LPC.

Both pamphlets are available through the MARE office.

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Help Your Children to Become Better Adults

Excerpted from the National Adoption Center

What Advice Would You Give Your Mom and Dad?

by Dayle Allen Shockley

Not long ago a distraught father discussed his teenage son's behavior with me. "He defies everything I tell him," he said. "He gets right in my face and screams at me. Am I supposed to just take it?"

The next morning I related the father's predicament to my high school students and asked for opinions. I received varied responses, ranging from "Give him a kick you know where" to "Pray for him." But the most revealing answer came from one of my poorly behaved students: "It's not the kid's fault," he said. "He has lousy parents."

Our society has gone overboard with the "blame-someone-else" syndrome; nobody wants to accept responsibility for his or her behavior anymore. But I had to admit my student's comment made a valid point: Parents sometimes fail in how they relate to their children. Then I thought, what advice would teenagers give parents? What do they believe it takes to produce respectful and respectable teens?

With the generous help of two school districts, I surveyed more than 300 teenagers. It was like opening a floodgate. Those who responded represent a healthy cross-section of ethnic groups, ages, academic achievements and home-life environments. Some of their answers made me laugh; some made me cry. But they all held nuggets of truth that parents can learn from. Here they are:

1. Don't allow you child to bring company into the house, unless you know them personally. (16 year-old African American female)
2. Don't let your small kids watch a lot of TV. If you do, they will adopt the bad attitudes seen on TV and end up not respecting you. (1 7 year-old Asian-American female)
3. Teach your children about God. Try to raise them according to the principles found in the Bible. (17 year-old White male)
4. When trying to talk to your children about private subjects like sex, just sensitively say it. If you beat around the bush, it makes you both nervous. (15 year-old Hispanic male)
5. Punishment should match the offense. (15 year-old Hispanic male)
6. Look for things that are good about your children instead of constantly finding ways to put them down. (13 yearold ethnic Hawaiian male)
7. Be consistent in what you say; follow through with your decision. (15 year-old White female)
8. Cook for your family. (17 year-old White female who says her mother never cooks, except on holidays)
9. Don't curse or smoke unless you want your children to do the same. (16 year-old Hispanic female)
10. When you let your children go out, give them a curfew. Let them know you love them and want them to be safe. (1 6 year-old Hispanic female)
11. Play with your kids. Have fun and laugh. (15 year-old White female)
12. Fathers, tell your daughter you love her often. If you don't, she will go out looking for love in boys or friends, but she will never find the kind of love she wants. (15 year-old Hispanic female)
13. Don't tell your children the things they do are stupid. (15 year-old white male)
14. Teach kids to take care of their things and to look out for their siblings. (15 year-old African-American male)
15. Accept the fact that adults are not always right. If you're wrong, admit it. (15 year-old Asian-American female)
16. Don't put too much pressure on your kids to excel. Understand they are young and need to enjoy life. (14 year-old Asian-American female)
17. Teach your children that a true friend will understand that when you say no, you mean no. (15 year-old White female)
18. Don't hold the past against your child. What happened, happened; it cannot be changed. (18 year-old White male)
19. If your daughter tells you she is not having sex, believe her. (17 year-old White female)
20. Guide your children toward good marriages by giving them a good example to follow. (15 year-old Hispanic female)
21. Sit with your children and just talk. Ask them questions like, How was school? Did you make any new friends? (16 year-old Hispanic male)
22. Don't jump to conclusions (15 year old White female)
23. Praise your children often. When they tell the truth, when they make good grades, when they look nice, praise them. (15 year-old Hispanic female)
24. Turn the TV off and talk to your children. You can't carry on a good conversation if you are constantly worried about your show (16 year-old White female who says her mom knows TV Guide backwards and forwards but has trouble remembering her family's birthdays)
25. When your children are very small, let them have only wholesome friends. If you allow your children to have bad friends, they will soon be bad, too. (16 year-old Hispanic male)
26. Get involved in school activities. Acting concerned is not enough; you need to show your concern by getting involved. (15 year-old White female)
27. Try not to scold your kids in front of their friends. (15 year-old Hispanic female)
28. No matter what your children go through, stay by their side. You don't have to agree with them; just always support them. (15 year-old Africa American male)
29. If your child tells you something wrong is going on, believe him. Don't ignore your child. (16 year-old White male)
30. Let your children grow up (16 year-old White female)
31. Take your children to church. (15 year-old African-American male)
32. Be there for teens, even when they try to push you away. The harder they resist, the more they need you. (14 year-old White female)
33. Never force your child to choose one parent over the other. (15 year-old White male)
34. Know how to take control. Don't be a pushover. (16 year-old White female)
35. Don't make your child call a stepparent "Mom" or "Dad." (16 year-old White female)
36. Teach your kids manners, like how a lady sits and how a gentleman opens the door for a lady. (16 year-old White female)
37. Introduce your children to extra activities. (17 year-old African-American female)
38. Teach your children right and wrong and that each action brings either a bad consequence or a reward. When they do right, reward them, and when they do wrong, punish them. (18 year-old Hispanic male)

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Talking to Children About Their Strengths and Weaknesses

by Dr. Mel Levine

"I must be stupid"

"I was born to lose"

"I don't have the brains to right rite"

"No matter what I do, I disappoint my parents"

These statements accompany the pathetic sighs of children who misunderstand themselves. They are students with differences in learning that are causing them to underachieve and lose motivation. They have little or no understanding of why and how they are having to contend with the humiliation of failure in school. The thoughts such students harbor about their own minds are more pessimistic than they need to be. They may not admit to "feeling dumb", but they frequently conceal within themselves such beliefs. These gloomy sentiments commonly lead to a deteriorating attitude toward school, defiant behavior, depression, and plummeting self-esteem. They cycle must be broken. Demystification is a process that can be used to prevent or treat children's dangerous self-misunderstandings.

Demystification educates children about their own strengths and weaknesses. It helps them to see the relationship between their areas of weak function and problems they are having in school. Demystification sessions are conducted by a clinician or an educator. It is helpful if the parents are present, so that they can continue to reinforce the same terminology and point of view with the child at home. The following are some salient points about the crucial process of Demystification, which can help children to help themselves overcome school problems:

• Begin by helping a child understand his strengths. This should never be conveyed through false praise. (The ultimate put-down). Instead children need to be made aware of all the things they do very well.
• Provide children with specific vocabulary for their problems (e.g., "You have what we call a word finding problem that makes it harder for you to answer questions in class"). It is hard for an individual to work on improving something if she doesn't know heat to call it!
• Number the weak areas for the child (e.g., "There are four things that you need to work on making stronger....). This way, the child doesn't come to feel totally defective or mentally retarded (a very common fear or fantasy); instead he has four areas that need improvement in order to do better in school.
• Use analogies or visual diagrams to illustrate areas of function that need work. For example, we have developed The Concentration Cockpit (published by Educators Publishing Company, Cambridge MA) to help children understand their attentional difficulties.
• Create optimism by revealing the possibilities for great success as an adult given the strengths that the child now displays.
• Preserve accountability. A student should not come away feeling that she can "cop out" of work or responsibility because of a dysfunction. Rather, children must realize that now that they understand themselves better, they are accountable for working hard to overcome the effects of their problems.
• Vary the Demystification process depending on the age of the child. It is possible to demystify a 6 or 7 year old using examples, analogies, animal stories, and pictures (e.g., "You know, your mind is just like a television set. But it has problems with the channel selector - it changes programs too often.") early adolescents (especially 8th graders) are often the hardest to work with. They want so desperately to be like everyone else that they hate to learn of their differences. They require great patience, persistence, and empathy on the part of the demystifier. High school students thrive on Demystification increasingly as they progress through school. They need ample opportunity to ask questions and offer their own personal insights.
• Inform teachers of what a child has been told. It can be seriously confusing to a student if the school has an interpretation that contradicts what the child and parents believe.

With a clear understanding of weaknesses and strengths, it is truly remarkable to observe how well students can help themselves. It is equally gratifying to observe the restoration of motivation and aspiration that occurs when a young person is helped to see possibilities for authentic success in live.

Reprinted from the Parent Journal, the Parents' Educational Resource Center. Autumn 1996.