February/March,
1998
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February/March,
1998
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Working with Gay and Lesbian Adoptive Parents
Eight-year-old Kevin has spent the past 6 years in a series of foster homes. His parents are unable to take care of him because they are homeless and addicted to drugs and alcohol. Kevin has just become available for adoption, but because of his age and family background, families are not waiting in line to make a home for him.
Larry and Adam, however, are interested in adopting Kevin. They are a gay couple with a completed home study. From all indications, they would be sensitive and caring parents.
Kevin's social worker must make a difficult decision, one that is arising more frequently these days. Should a gay couple be permitted to adopt?
Gay men and lesbians have always adopted, though in the past they usually hid their sexual orientation. Today, as they have become more visible in all aspects of society, they are determined to be considered seriously as potential adoptive parents. This may become easier in light of the fact that the number of gay and lesbian biological parents in the United States has increased dramatically during the past two decades. In 1976, there were an estimated 300,000 to 500,000; today, there are an estimated 1.5 to 5 million lesbian mothers and 1 to 3 million gay fathers. As of 1990, an estimated 6 to 14 million children were being raised in gay and lesbian households.1
Despite this increase, there is widespread reservation about homosexual parents raising children. Social workers must consider many issues when selecting gay parents to adopt a child. They may wonder how the children will be raised and how they will feel about themselves and their parents. Will they be embarrassed because they have two mothers or two fathers, or because their single mother dates women or their unmarried father has a boyfriend? Will their friends tease them? Will they be more likely to be homosexual than children raised by heterosexual parents? And most important, how will having been raised by gay or lesbian parents affect them as they grow into adulthood?
This article addresses the current status of gay and lesbian parenting, cites relevant literature as appropriate, and provides an overview of state laws on adoption by homosexual parents. It includes an extensive list of support groups and resources that may be helpful to gay and lesbian prospective adoptive parents or successful adoptive parents as well as the adoption professionals who work with them. Also, in the appendices, position statements of several national organizations on the suitability of homosexuals to adopt are provided.
The Status of Homosexual Parenting
Unfortunately, the well-being of children who grow up with lesbian and gay adoptive parents cannot be predicted. The number of homosexuals who have adopted is unknown, and their children, some of whom are grown, are often reluctant to speak out.
There has been some research on homosexual parenting. This research focuses mainly on children born to donor-inseminated lesbians or those raised by a parent, once married, who is now living a gay lifestyle. While this is not exactly the same situation as adoptive parenting, this information is invaluable for social workers struggling with difficult decisions, for gay men and lesbians who want to be parents, for their families and friends, and for anyone who needs help to understand and support a nontraditional lifestyle.
Janet C. was married for 10 years before she acknowledged that she was a lesbian. By that time, she had given birth to two daughters, Julie and Elinor. She and her husband had an amicable divorce and shared joint custody of their children, then ages 8 and 6. Eight months later, Janet moved in with Pamala, a co-worker. They have lived together for 13 years; for most of that time, Janet's children have lived with them.
Julie, now 22, says, "There were times when I felt embarrassed. Friends would ask me who Pamala was. I would say, 'She's my aunt.' But when I think about my growing up years, I was happier than most of my friends. I could always talk to my mom and to Pamala, and I had a close relationship with my father, too." Julie points out that she didn't know anyone else in her situation when she was growing up. "It's different today. There are lots of kids with gay parents, and it's much more accepted. I don't think I suffered any, and I feel good about who I am."
Like most lesbians and gay men who are or want to be parents, Janet wondered about the way her alternative way of living would affect her children. "I already had children when I recognized my sexual preference," she says. "But I'm not certain I would have deliberately given birth to or tried to adopt a child. I can understand a social worker's dilemma, and I agree that a loving, two-parent, heterosexual household is probably the most stable for a child. But how many children have that? Nothing is perfect."
When Shirley Sagin, a Philadelphia social worker, placed Trisha (not her real name) with a lesbian couple 23 years ago, she was a pioneer. "It was not something most social workers would have considered back then, but I knew that this was the right place for Trisha. I was looking for stability, a couple willing to go the extra mile for a child with Trisha's type of mental disability. I made the placement with more confidence than anxiety." Today, Trisha is 26 and a happy and healthy member of her family.
Testimony of children who have grown up in gay households may turn out to provide the most valid information about the results of gay parenting. Research studies, often conducted by individuals or organizations with a vested interest in the outcome, are contradictory. Research maligning gay and lesbian parenting has been attacked as having been conducted by right wing or fundamentalist groups; that which supports homosexual parenting is said to reflect the bias of those who are themselves gay or who support gay rights.
Meanwhile, it is critical to sort out myth from fact so that families can make responsible choices, social workers can examine their own biases and make informed decisions, and children with gay parents can receive the support they need to lead productive and fulfilling lives.
Myth or Fact
The following are some of the thoughts that people express about homosexuality and homosexual parenting placed in the context of literature, clinical experience, and general observations.
"Homosexuality is immoral."
In the early 1970s, the American Psychiatric Association and American Psychological Association both declared that homosexuality was not a mental illness.2 However, homosexuality is still considered sinful and immoral to many in this country -- a belief probably learned in childhood and supported by fundamentalist and orthodox religious groups and conservative family life organizations.
"The mom and dad family is the natural environment for child rearing and is the foundation for civilization," state researchers at the Family Research Council, a conservative research and family advocacy organization in Washington, DC. "Homosexual relationships are not the equivalent of marriage, and children should not be placed into homosexual households."3
Research that demonstrates that homosexuals do not choose their sexual preference but instead experience it as a biological certainty does not convince individuals with the above viewpoint that it is a moral, acceptable lifestyle. Nor does anthropological research that indicates homosexuality is present in all cultures throughout the world in varying proportions of the population. Even if proponents of the "homosexual is immoral" view could accept these latter two premises, they would say it does not mean that homosexuals should be parents.
No research can prove that a lifestyle or sexual preference is moral or immoral. But Diana and Karen, a lesbian couple who live in a comfortable suburban setting, speak for many others when they say that other factors need to be taken into consideration. They see themselves as family-minded people who have much to offer their two children. "We're big on tradition," says Karen. "We both work hard, we have a safe home in a middle-class neighborhood, we don't drink or do drugs. We are generous, unselfish people. Compared to all of the things children can be traumatized about -- divorce, violence, alcoholism, drug use, chaotic homes -- I think what we have is not very significant."
"Children will be molested by homosexual parents."
Reverend Maurice Gordon, pastor of the Lovingway Pentecostal Church in Denver, Colorado, speaks for those who believe implicitly that homosexuals are dangerous. "Under no circumstances should a child be allowed to be brought up in a homosexual environment. I'm not saying that the child would automatically be sexually abused by his homosexual parent, but he probably would be abused by the homosexual's friends."4
The response of the Child Welfare League of America and a substantial group of researchers is that this fear of molestation is totally unfounded. A recent Child Welfare League report unequivocally states that, "the likelihood of homosexual adopters molesting children placed with them is no greater than it is for the general population. Ninety percent of all pedophiles are heterosexual males."5
Numerous studies support this. One conducted by the Connecticut Correctional Institute in 1978 repeatedly noted the absence of a connection between homosexuals and child molestation. "The belief that homosexuals are particularly attracted to children is completely unsupported by our data. The child offenders who engaged in adult sexual relations as well were heterosexual."6
"Children will be teased and harassed."
Children of gay men and lesbians are vulnerable to teasing and harassment, particularly as they approach adolescence when they want to be like their friends. How much of a problem is it? Is it likely to cause lasting psychological damage?
Gay parents are well aware of the difficulties that a child may face -- many have dealt with prejudice all of their lives. Most see it as an opportunity for ongoing discussion that will help their children grow as people.
Drs. Kenneth Morgen and Sam Westrick adopted Simon, and later, Trevor, as infants. Morgen wrote about their experience in a book entitled, "Getting Simon." He writes about the differences that make up our society and how Simon will perceive them. "We come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. Some kids come from rich homes, some from poor homes, some are fat, some are skinny, some have curly hair when straight is in and straight when curly is in; many have divorced parents, some have two moms or two dads. All kids who have anything different about them, which is most kids, are vulnerable to teasing. I am confident that we will instill in our sons a sense of self-esteem that will make them know that they are persons of worth in their own rights."
Abby Ruder, a therapist, lesbian, and adoptive mother, acknowledges that children will be teased, and takes great pains to prepare her homosexual clients for some of the problems that their children will face. She feels that families should have a plan for dealing with society's attitude toward them. "Children with gay or lesbian parents need to be taught when it's okay to tell people and when not to. A family doesn't have to be 'out' all of the time. My 9-year-old whom I adopted transracially has become very adept at knowing when to tell people that she has two mommies."
Tim Fisher, father of two children and the Executive Director of Gay and Lesbian Parents International, a support group with 60 chapters and 1,400 members, speaks about helping kids understand the prejudice they might encounter. He has seen how support groups have helped children interact with others like themselves and learn ways to deal with teasing. He has told his children about his experiences growing up in a religious family. "When I was a kid, my family was very involved in the church. Kids used to tease me, calling me a 'Holy Roller.' Kids will always find something to pick on."
Wendell Ricketts and Roberta Achtenberg, in the article "Adoption and Foster Parenting for Lesbians and Gay Men: Creating New Traditions in Family" from Homosexuality and Family Relations, address social workers grappling with the issue by asking, "...should children be sheltered from every experience in which their difference might challenge prejudice, ignorance, or the status quo (or in which they would be 'exposed' to the difference of others)? Agencies conforming to such a standard must ask themselves whether it is their function to honor the system that generates stigma by upholding its constraints." They continue, "Teasing is what children do. Does this mean that child welfare policy must be set at a level no higher than the social interactions of children?"7
Nonetheless, social workers and even some gay men and lesbians considering adoption wonder if it is in the best interest of a child to be raised by homosexual parents.
"It can be too hard a transition for some children, especially those who are older and have already formed preconceived notions about homosexuality," explains therapist Ruder. "Younger children usually have an easier time adjusting to a gay and lesbian parented home. They haven't learned the societal biases against gays and lesbians yet." When a gay person or persons are being considered as potential adoptive parents for an older child, the child should be told about the person's sexual preference and asked his feelings about it. If the child is comfortable with the information, the caseworker can proceed to the next step.
For younger children adopted by homosexuals, parents must think about how they will explain, in age- appropriate language, not only how and why the child was adopted, but also about the parents' sexual preference. Both are complex subjects that should be addressed a number of times as the child grows and matures, each time adding new information as the child asks about it and is able to absorb and understand it. Then both topics become accepted facts of family life, neither overemphasized nor underemphasized. The National Adoption Information Clearinghouse publication "Explaining Adoption to Your Child" and the book The Final Closet: The Gay Parents' Guide for Coming Out to Their Children may be helpful
"Children raised in homosexual households will become gay."
Psychologist J. Craig Peery of Brigham Young University argues that children grow up to be much like their parents. "Children from large families are more likely to have larger families...educational attainment, career choice, etc. are similar to their parents. Children who suffer child abuse often become child abusers... It is reasonable to assume that children raised in homosexual households would be more likely either to become homosexual themselves or to become sexually promiscuous."8
Others don't see this argument as reasonable. The bulk of evidence to date is that children raised by homosexuals are no more likely to become homosexual than children raised by heterosexuals. As one researcher put it, "If heterosexual parenting is insufficient to ensure that children will also be heterosexual, then there is no reason to conclude that children of homosexuals also will be gay."9 And children do not necessarily choose the same lifestyle as their parents in other areas. Barbara Tremitiere of York, Pennsylvania, an expert on large adoptive families, says that children in large adoptive families often do not choose to have a large family when they become adults.10
Studies asking the sons and daughters of gay fathers to express their sexual preference showed the majority of children to be heterosexual, with the proportion of gay offspring similar to that of any random population. And an assessment of more than 300 children born to gay or lesbian parents in 12 different samples shows no evidence of "significant disturbances of any kind in the development of sexual identity among these individuals."11
Dave, an 18-year-old who grew up in the home of his lesbian mother and her partner after his parents divorced, speaks of the fear he had while growing up of turning out gay as well. "I never told anybody about my parents then, because I felt if they knew, they would stereotype me as being gay because of them. I think I used to make it more of a problem in my head than it ever actually was. My parents weren't trying to pressure me to be gay. My sexuality was strictly my decision and they weren't going to have anything to do with it. They were delighted when I began to date women."
A gay father, when asked if he wanted his son to be gay, answered poignantly. "I want my son to be happy. Being gay in our society is very difficult and can be very painful. If I could choose, I would hope he'd be straight and have an easier life than I've had."
"Children will develop problems growing up in an 'unnatural' lifestyle."
Since courts have expressed concern that children raised by gay and lesbian parents may have difficulties with their personal and psychological development, self-esteem, and social and peer relationships, the research that has been done has focused on the effects of this type of upbringing on children.
The studies conclude that children of gay parents are no different than their counterparts raised by heterosexual parents. In "Children of Lesbian and Gay Parents," an article in Child Development in 1992, Charlotte Patterson states, "Despite dire predictions about children based on well-known theories of psychosocial development, and despite the accumulation of a substantial body of research investigating these issues, not a single study has found children of gay or lesbian parents to be disadvantaged in any significant respect relative to children of heterosexual parents."12
Psychiatrist Laurintine Fromm, of the Institute of Pennsylvania Hospital, agrees with that finding. "[The] literature...does not indicate that these children fare any worse [than those of heterosexual parents] in any area of psychological development or sexual identity formation. A parent's capacity to be respectful and supportive of the child's autonomy and to maintain her own intimate attachments, far outweighs the influence of the parent's sexual orientation alone."
What the Law Says
Madeline and her partner, Susan, adopted a girl who had spent her first 5 years in foster care living in 7 different placements. While it was clear that the child needed a permanent family, Madeline's social worker told her not to say that she is a lesbian. The social worker felt that revealing this information might jeopardize the adoption. Madeline explains, "My social worker thought it would be easier if she just portrayed me as a single woman who shares a home with another woman. Other adoption professionals had also suggested this."
Only two states, Florida and New Hampshire, specifically bar the adoption of children by gay and lesbian adults, but homosexual couples are not legally recognized and there are anti-sodomy statutes in 28 states. Each state decides independently who can adopt. Final decisions are made by judges at the county level. They consider the "best interest" of the child, a concept interpreted differently by different judges. Because of the vague meaning of "best interest," sympathetic social workers will often not mention sexual preference in their home study reports to avoid unnecessary questions.
While there have been openly gay adoptions in a number of jurisdictions, including the District of Columbia, Ohio, New Mexico, and California, the most common practice is for a single adopter to apply as the "legal" adopter of the child. Couples who both want custody then apply for a "second parent adoption." This growing practice was tested in a landmark case in Vermont in 1993. Jane Van Buren had given birth to two boys through anonymous donor insemination. According to the law, only Ms. Van Buren was considered their parent -- her partner, Deborah Lashman, had no legal standing. If their mother died, the children would be orphaned; if the couple split up, the boys' relationship with Ms. Lashman would not be protected nor would she be obligated to provide for them. The couple filed a petition for a second parent adoption, asking the probate court to allow Ms. Lashman to adopt the children while leaving Ms. Van Buren's parental rights intact.
While all parties agreed and a psychological evaluation was submitted, the court denied the adoptions because Ms. Lashman is not married to the biological parent. Vermont law does not recognize couples who cannot legally marry. The couple appealed the case to the state supreme court arguing that the adoption was in the best interests of both children. On June 18, 1993, the court unanimously reversed the decision of the lower court and awarded joint custody to the couple.13
With this decision, Deborah Lashman became a legal parent of the two boys. The Vermont Supreme Court was the first state supreme court to recognize lesbian co-parent adoptions. As a result of this finding, other couples are likely to find second parent adoptions easier to accomplish in Vermont and in other areas of the country.14
To date, second parent adoptions have been granted in Alaska, California, Minnesota, Oregon, Washington, the District of Columbia, Massachusetts, New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania, and Vermont.15
Coping With the Agency Preference Hierarchy
Many homosexuals are troubled by the feeling that adoption agencies offer them the children who are the most difficult to place; those with physical, mental, or emotional disabilities; those who are older; and African-American and other children of color.
"Often gay parents will get harder children because it's the last resort," Bob Diamond, Executive Director of AASK Northern California in Oakland, admits. (This adoption organization was the first private adoption agency to be licensed in California. It has 11 regional and state offices and works with 400 adoption agencies nationwide.) "A lot of social workers will say, 'Well, no one is going to take this kid except gay people.' Being homosexual is not usually seen as a positive factor," he adds, noting that single people in general are usually treated as "second-class citizens" by most adoption agencies.16
Roberta Achtenberg, Executive Director of the National Center for Lesbian Rights in San Francisco, bluntly confirms that there is an unspoken ranking within the adoption network. "The hierarchy prefers white, married, middle or upper middle class couples, and these couples don't want the special needs kids. The less preferred children then go to unmarried couples of all kinds, single individuals, and gay people. The children are less preferred, and the recipients are less preferred."
What strikes psychologist April Martin, author of The Lesbian and Gay Parenting Handbook, as ironic, is that the same bureaucracies that believe that lesbians and gay men are not suitable parents will place children who require the most highly skilled parenting with them. She and others have pointed out that nontraditional families have unique strengths that make them excellent, and in some cases, the best homes for certain children. Among them is an ability to accept differences, to understand what it is like to be in the minority, to demonstrate flexible gender roles, to be open about sexuality with children who have been sexually abused, and to understand the special needs of homosexual children.
Alicia, 17, who was brought up by a lesbian couple, feels that
she benefitted from her family being different. "I think people who haven't
had the same experiences are more judgmental and biased. I can get along with
anybody. I get along with a lot more diverse crowd than most of my friends."
April Martin suggests that homosexuals who want to adopt younger, healthier
children can find them by working with private agencies who do international
adoptions or by working directly with birthparents. Some birthparents have
specifically chosen openly gay households for their children. A mother who
had negative experiences with men selected a family of women for her child;
another who found it difficult to relinquish her child to another woman chose
two men.17
Tom and Martin, a New Jersey couple in their 40's, adopted 3-year-old Kate, who had been relinquished by her birthmother at age 2. A year later, they were asked by the birthmother to adopt Kate's younger sister, Ann. They had developed an open relationship with the birthmother, who felt confident that they were the best parents for her children.
International adoption is another possibility for single people. However, being openly gay is discouraged since many of the children come from traditional, underdeveloped countries where a homosexual lifestyle is not accepted.
Life After Adoption
Once an adoption is completed, the business of family life begins. Like all adopters, gay men and lesbians are seeking ways to incorporate their children into their lives and to help them make a smooth transition. They also want to meet other homosexuals who've taken on the challenge of parenting. There is a growing number of support groups to meet these needs.
Len and Fernando, a multiethnic gay couple who adopted 3-year-old Isabel as a toddler, are members of an active group in the Philadelphia area. "Speaking to the parents of older children gives us ideas of how to cope with issues as they come up. Most of the members are women. We could use a few more men!"
Isabel, who is African-American, has the chance to meet other African- American, adopted children and enjoys the many activities planned for families. Their group is part of a larger support network, Philadelphia Family Pride, that serves more than 250 gay and lesbian families in the Delaware Valley. In addition to giving its members a chance to socialize, the group's advocacy and educational projects encourage parents to work with teachers on adoption, race, and alternative family issues that affect their children. Members participate in conferences, receive local and national newsletters, and learn about books and articles for themselves and their children.
Older children of gay parents have formed their own network, Colage, or Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere. A comprehensive list of support groups, by state, is included in the appendices.
A vital support network of family and friends is important for any family-adoptive, biological, one with heterosexual parents, or one with homosexual parents. Some homosexual adoptive parents have found that even if their parents had a difficult time accepting their homosexuality, the parents readily accept their new role as grandparents. It is almost as if having children makes them more like mainstream families. "Our parents reacted to our desire to parent pretty much the same way they reacted to our coming out," says Fisher of the Gay and Lesbian Parents Coalition, International. They said, 'We love you...but let's not talk about it.' With the kids, they have softened their tone a little. They are grandparents who adore their grandchildren."
Madeline's family, a large Irish Catholic clan with 10 brothers and sisters, were very supportive of her adoption decision. "I came out to my family about 15 years ago. You have to understand that I come from a very strict Irish Catholic background. It took about 10 years before my parents accepted that I was a lesbian, so by the time my partner and I were considering adopting and they saw that we were committed to each other, they were supportive and welcomed our plan."
Both of the above examples are of couples who have long-standing relationships and who chose to adopt after many years together. Denise Goodman points out that families of people more recently "out" may need time to adjust to the idea of grandchildren whom they have to explain to their neighbors and friends.
Conclusion
The increasing number of homosexuals choosing to adopt has brought the issue of gay and lesbian parenting to the forefront. Social workers are being asked to look carefully at their own feelings and to make reasonable judgments about what is in the best interest of children who need families. The increasing number of children needing adoptive families puts pressure on workers to find appropriate families. Should stable, nurturing, mature applicants be turned away only on the basis of sexual preference?
There is a growing body of research that concludes that children raised by homosexuals have no more problems than those raised in heterosexual families. Those that quarrel with these findings state that the samples are too small and biased. Clearly, what is needed are definitive studies that would follow larger numbers of children over a long period of time. Longitudinal studies on children adopted by homosexuals have not been conducted because many of the children who have been adopted are still fairly young. That research, when completed, will provide more information for the ongoing debate
In the meantime, adoptions will continue. Many gay and lesbian couples and
individuals yearn to parent children, just as heterosexual individuals and
couples do. Activists will push to make sure that adoptions by gay men and
lesbians are open and public. How these efforts will be met by social workers,
judges, and the community remains to be seen.
Written by Gloria Hochman, Mady Prowler, and Anna Huston of the National Adoption Center in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, for the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse, 1995.
Endnotes
March is Parenting Awareness Month
Parenting Awareness Month celebrates the people who raise our children, and seeks to:
A volunteer Parenting Awareness Month Steering Committee provides resources for local community participation in Parenting Awareness Month. For more information, call 1-800-968-4968.