by Beverly Belcher

Dee A. Paddock, M.A., NCC Psychotherapist, Consultant and Speaker, of Highlands Ranch, CO, voiced her experience as an adoptive mother at the August, 1998 North American Council on Adoptable Children (NACAC) conference in Cincinnati, Ohio. The following are notations from Paddock's workshop.

Creating a family through birth is so normal that it is beyond comment. Whereas adoption, on the other hand, opens up the floodgate to many myths and misconceptions. In fact, adoption is rarely anyone's first choice in building a family. Why? Because the common conception for most people is that the ideal family begins with a heterosexual, two-parent household and the family includes two kids and a golden retriever. However, keep in mind that less than 40% of families have such a beginning.

Paddock points out that mixed emotions about adoption undermine relationships for agencies and families. She says, "The perfect solution myth presents the shadow of adoption as, 'Oh! You're adopting, I'm sorry,' or, 'So you've decided to adopt? Well, aren't you special!' In other words, if you want to adopt, you are crazy."

According to Paddock, it is important for workers to put themselves in the shoes of each potential adoptive family. She says, "View the adoptive process from their perspective." Lived experience is reality.

As an experienced adoptive mother, Paddock says grief, trauma, anxiety, hurt, suffering, rage, fear and burnout are issues that foster and adoptive families deal with. As a result, crises happen often in these families. Paddock strongly emphasizes talking to families about how difficult special needs children may be before placements occur.

One of the barriers that foster families struggle with is the fear that workers will take their child away if they are not perfect. Moving the child should not be the first response to a crisis. Many times during a crisis call, the family does not need an answer or a fix. They often just need someone to talk to.

Adoption is a lifelong process. Therefore, professionals need to find a way to remain connected after the adoption is finalized. Families should receive long-term support long term to avoid disruptions.

"Professionals need to realize that when foster or adoptive mothers are angry as a result of a crisis, they act out emotionally," says Paddock. "When the adoptive family phones the worker to say, 'I do not want him, you come and get him,' what mom is really saying is, 'I need help, because my tank is empty.' The mother cannot feed her child on a empty tank. The worker needs to feed the mother, so the mother can feed her child."

Paddock also shared some positive responses and solutions to common problems in the adoption cycle.

James Hillman once said, "We are aboard the Titanic. What is the right action? What do you do while the ship goes down? Strike up the band? Take to the lifeboats? But there is no other shore. Check in with your analyst? Go down like Lord Jim, with honor, courage, decency? At least keep things shipshape? Or, perhaps, perform the rituals of sinking." Workers need to help the family in crisis absorb the initial shock. But how?

• Acknowledge the problem. Workers need to "descend into the darkness" with their clients. Shine a light on all that is primitive, suppressed, denied, rationalized, or disguised in adoption.
• Listen. Close your mouth and sit on you hands. "Breathe and Be Present." Workers earn the right to speak only after they have really listened, then.
• Ask the right questions. What do you need right now? What is your biggest concern right now? What have you already tried? What are the obstacles right now? What will happen if you don't solve this problem?
• Believe the client. It begins with empathy, not sympathy. Workers should learn to stand in their clients' shoes. (They don't have to agree with what families are doing but they do need to believe them).
• Teach. Workers should help families anticipate the crisis. The soul prefers stories over the straight presentation of facts. Hint: Healing stories aren't always happily-ever-after! Then, workers should help the family absorb the aftershocks of their crisis.
• Keep listening. In other words, workers may have to express, "I don't have your answer, but I am here."
• Continue asking. How are you? What is working for you right now?
• Continue believing. "Your feelings are real, your experience is real."
• Encourage awakening. You can survive this. You will grow scars. Love does not fix everything! Adoption is a process, not a single event.
• Teach sacrifice. Families should realize, "This experience is sacred. I am not in control. I can make mistakes. I have many options to choose from."
• We are constantly faced with our own helplessness and inadequacy as we recognize the limits of what we can do to help shattered people bear the unbearable.