June/July,
1999
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June/July,
1999
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Why Can't Andrew Sit Still?
by Nancy Jennings
My husband and I new our son Andrew had Attention Deficit Disorder before anyone else would believe it. And to this day we still fight to have his problem recognized and dealt with by family, friends, and school workers alike.
We began to notice a change when Andrew was in first grade. Always a happy, cheerful child, he suddenly became argumentative and uncooperative. He was unfocused and seemed to "daydream" all the time. My mother said, "It's a phase, don't worry, you did the same thing at that age." By the middle of that year he was having serious trouble at school. We would sit with him while he did his homework; one page could take an hour, two pages an entire evening. Once, we forced him to "sit there until it was done;" at midnight we finally relented and packed him off to bed.
By June, we knew something was wrong but we didn't know just what it was. Andrew brought home numerous detentions for nonstop talking, bothering the other children during class, forgetting his lunch, not finishing his homework. Oftentimes he came to us crying because the teacher had said, "Why can't you ever be good?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to," became his mantra. And eventually we came to realize he really didn't mean to do the things he did. He wasn't scatterbrained or lazy or stupid; he was just Andrew, and Andrew, we came to realize, had ADD.
Not knowing what else to do, we approached his first-grade teacher, who said, "No, Andrew doesn't have ADD. Believe me, I've seen kids that have ADD and Andrew's not like them. He can be good when he tries; he just doesn't try often enough." She implied that Andrew's behavior was somehow our fault. We were too free with our parenting style; we needed to buckle down and take control of our child. In essence, if we were better parents, Andrew wouldn't do the things he did.
So we tried to be patient, to work with Andrew, to be better parents. We bribed him to clean his room. We paid him to do his homework. We saw doctor after doctor; physicals and blood tests proved he wasn't diabetic, anemic, epileptic, hypoglycemic or allergic to any foods. We thought maybe a child psychiatrist could help us, but nothing seemed to work. After a year the situation was not only unimproved, but it was starting to get worse. He hurt his little sister. He threw violent temper tantrums. He would whip himself into such a frenzy that he'd fall, exhausted, into an hours'-long nap.
The final straw came one day last summer, when Andrew and I were arguing for the millionth time about something trivial. I raised my voice, he raised his voice. I became more firm, he became more stubborn.
Then, suddenly, he hit me.
With all the strength an eight-year-old could muster, he started hitting my arms, my hands, my chest. I was so astonished I didn't know what to do. All the anger and rage and fear came flooding out of my child, channeled into this violent, aggressive beating.
When he realized what he had done he cried and ran off to his room. I immediately called our pediatrician and begged for an appointment the next day.
Attention Deficit Disorder, or ADD, has become a catch-phrase for children that "can't seem to control themselves." They're often impulsive, aggressive, easily frustrated and distractible, and have short attention spans. Children that are out of control and "hyper" are often labeled as having Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Until children are correctly diagnosed and treated - which often takes a great deal of patience, persistence, and energy on the part of parents and caretakers - children with ADD really can't stop doing the things they do.
Parents must first realize this: Children with ADD are not the product of bad parenting, nor are they "bad" kids. In fact, many are extraordinarily gifted and creative; often their IQs are above average.
Causes of ADD
In the United States, ADD's history is often linked to the influenza epidemic of 1918, which left large numbers of children with postencephalitic behavior disorder - that is, an inability to concentrate, regular their behavior, or control their impulses.(1)
Most recent studies, however, seem to indicate ADD is a result of many separate factors. A number of studies point to the possibilities of lead poisoning, negative parent/child interactions, a sensitivity to food additives or to refined sugar, cigarette smoking during pregnancy, and the various problems associated with poverty.
A more popular hypothesis is that children with ADD actually have different brains. Research strongly suggests that these kids are somehow "wired" differently from other children and may be slower to metabolize certain chemicals that are instrumental in carrying messages from one neuron to the next.(2)
While there are different theories about ADD, certain facts are consistent. Between three and nine percent of school-aged children are suspected of having this disorder. For some unknown reason, it appears to affect more boys than girls. And while there is no real "cure," there are proven treatments. Left untreated, ignored or misdiagnosed, children with ADD (particularly those who display hyperactivity) are more often prone to antisocial behavior, substance abuse, and serious criminal activities.(3)
There is also little disagreement among professionals that ADD runs in families. Between 25 and 35 percent of siblings, 25 to 40 percent of parents, and 20 to 25 percent of other relatives have the disorder.(4)
So, What's a Parent To Do?
First, parents much learn to trust their instincts, even when the child's school or daycare center does not necessarily agree.
We approached our son's teachers and principal on several occasions. We knew he was bright and thought maybe he was acting up out of boredom. We asked them to move him ahead a grade, or at least provide him with more challenging classroom work. The principal said his social skills were lacking, and until he improved his attitude there wasn't anything they could do to help him. It became a vicious cycle for Andrew: bored by the work, unable to pay attention, acting up, being held back, bored by the work... And everyone blamed him.
Because ADD touches every aspect of a child's life, treatment may require several different approaches, including physiological (does he need medication?), emotional (does she need counseling?), education (does he require a tutor?) and relational (does she need to learn social skills?)
Several medications are used in treat ADD, the most well-known of which is Ritalin. Dexedrine, Adderall and Cylert are often prescribed, as well. These medications are actually stimulants (not depressants, as one might assume an active, impulsive child would need). They can cause side effects, including insomnia, stomachaches, nervousness, headaches, nausea, loss of appetite and, in some cases, tics or stalled growth. Parents and doctors must monitor medications very carefully, and parents must be aware of and watch for side effects.
However, parents must realize that medication is not a cure-all. Children that have been told "it's their fault" for the way they act, or that they could easily control themselves if only they'd try harder, may still blame themselves for impulsive behavior. These children often have low self-esteem and may benefit from counseling.
At the same time, parents should work with their children at home. According to "Distracted Children: How Routines Can Improve Concentration," (Chatelaine, April 1993), setting a structured, consistent daily schedule may be one of the best ways to help a child with ADD. "The more predictable their day, the less confused they will be - and the better their concentration," which may include a daily schedule with specific times for meals, play, shores, and even free time. The article, however, cautions parents not to force children to do chores and homework right after school; they may need a break in their routine to get rid of excess energy that has built up during the school day.
Because children with ADD are not always able to control their actions, traditional discipline techniques may not always work. Although often hard to come by, patience and consistency are key. Parents must be willing to seek out alternative approaches, including positive reinforcement and rewards.
Diet does not seem to make much of a difference for ADD children. Recent studies have dispelled the notion that sugar revs kids up and makes them uncontrollable. While may parents who have seen their children out of control at events such as birthday parties and Halloween may blame that on sugar, researchers contend that children get excited and out of control because of all the stimulation and excitement...which just happens to be the time they are most like to eat sugar.
In the end, our pediatrician referred us to a child psychiatrist who specialized in working with children with ADD. Extensive testing and visits finally confirmed our suspicions. After a couple of weeks and several adjustments in the medication, we saw an incredible improvement in our son. We also began working with a therapist, to help us learn control and patience - and teach us to stop blaming ourselves and each other. We learned new ways to deal with the behavior we felt was inappropriate - time outs, chore charts, and rewards like stickers and ice cream for good behavior.
It's been three months now, and things are better than they've been in years. Andrew is healing, and hopefully we as a family have started healing, as well.
Support Groups and Resource Networks
Notes
Parenting With Love and Logic:
Teaching Children Responsibility
by Foster Cline, M.D., and Jim Fay
Over the next year, we will be exploring Cline and Fay's book, "Parenting With Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility." We hope the insights presented here, and in their book, will help all parents to better understand their children -- and themselves.
Empathy -- With Consequences
by Nancy Jennings
Bedtimes can often provoke the worst control battles parents may ever face. No parent wants to think about their child staying up until all hours of the night, then dragging around tired and cranky the next day at school. And, as parents, isn't it our job to tell a child when to go to bed -- especially a child who doesn't seem to know what's best for themselves?
Unfortunately, telling a child what to do -- instead of teaching them to make the correct choices -- can lead to situations where a child cannot make a decision for themselves. As parents, our job is to teach children to think for themselves.
Cline and Fay point out, "You have probably noticed that love-and-logic parents react quite differently than other parents do when kids make mistakes. We don't get angry, we don't riddle them with I-told-you-so's, and we don't sit them down and lecture them about their errors.
"If we get angry, we strip the consequences of their power. We insert ourselves into the process and impede the logic of the consequences from doing their thing. The child's anger is directed toward us and not toward the lesson the consequences teach.
"Also, when we sit kids down and explain to them -- even in the nicest terms -- what they did wrong and why it didn't work out, we deflect their thinking from their own consequences to us. We only retard the power of the consequences when we do that.
"The thing that drives the lesson down into our children's hearts after they make a mistake is our empathy and sadness. We put the relationship between us and our children foremost in our minds. Our love for them reigns supreme. We have been building their self-concept from infancy, telling them they are loved, skillful and capable. And a foul-up, regardless of how serious on their part, doesn't change anything. They must know that, and be told that message continually.
Imposing Consequences
Naturally occurring consequences are the best teacher for a child; however, there are times when a parent must intercede and impose consequences themselves.
When no consequences occur naturally, the parent-imposed consequences must:
Love-and-Logic Tip 23:
Messages that Lock in Empathy
Empathy with the consequences is so crucial to love-and-logic parenting. Yet when our kids mess up, we are often overcome with anger and want to punch them.
Before getting angry or sucked into the child's problem, try using one of the following statements:
When we make these types of comments, we don't put ourselves up against our kids. We put ourselves squarely on their side, and on the side of their learning from their mistakes.
Fitting the Crime
Twelve-year-old Jason saunters in late -- again -- from playing with his friend Roger. In the past, Jason's mother would lecture, waving a finger in his face and reminding him countless times about how he promised to be home on time. It hasn't worked before, so Jason's mother decides to try a different tact. This time, when Jason arrives home 45 minutes late, his mother doesn't say anything and continues on with her routine as though nothing is out of the ordinary. Jason, surprised, thinks maybe he's finally gained control of the whole situation.
The next day Jason tells his mother he's going over to Roger's house again. As he reaches for the door, his mother quietly says to him, "Remember how you were late coming home from Roger's yesterday? Well, I'm not really up to worrying about you today, so you can stay home this time. But, we can talk about it again the next time you want to go over to Roger's."
In this way, the consequence (not being allowed to play with his friend) is now tied to being late in returning from Roger's house.
Enforceability
David and Taren are riding in the back seat of the car on the way to the mall. They are constantly picking at each other, calling each other names, and generally giving each other -- and their mother -- a headache. She has had enough, and realizes that this trip to the store isn't going to be a productive one.
She stops at a pay phone, makes a quick call, and then climbs back into the car smiling broadly. She starts driving, and David and Taren suddenly realize they're no longer driving towards the mall. They holler at their mother, "Hey, where are we going?" "I thought we were going shopping?!"
Mom turns to them and says, "There's a lot of fighting going on back there, and I don't want to deal with it in the mall. So, I called a babysitter, and I'm going to take you over there so I can get my shopping done. But don't worry about paying her right now; you can do it on Saturday when you get your allowances."
In this instance, the consequence is enforceable, and because it is tied to a specific time and place, the children now know what can -- and probably will -- happen in the future.
Loving Manner
Anger and threats do not convey empathy -- nor do they make much of an impact on children we are trying to teach.
Cline and Fay point out, "Allowing consequences while showing empathy is one of the toughest parts of love-and logic parenting. Anger is such an appealing emotion -- especially when we use it on our children. Punishment makes us feel so powerful. It makes us think we're in control. Anger and punishment, put in concert with each other, provide a deadly duo of counterproductive parenting.
We are constantly giving messages to our kids, but the overriding message of all messages must be one telling them that they're okay. They may have made a mistake and will have to live with the consequences, but we're in their corner, we love them just the same."
Love-and-Logic Tip 22:
Empathy, Not Anger
Letting the consequences do the teaching isn't enough. We as parents must show our empathy -- our sincere, loving concern -- when the consequences hit. That's what drives the lesson home with our children without making them feel we're not "on their side." Consider the following examples:
Aaron misses dinner because he didn't do his chores:
Jeanne is tired in the morning becausxe she stayed up too late:
Ray gets low grades on his report card:
"Parenting With Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility" by Foster Cline, M.D. and Jim Fay, is published by Pinon Press, P.O. Box 35007, Colorado Springs, CO, 80935. ISBN08910-93117. It is available at local bookstores.