by Kirsta Grapentine

Gloria Rodriguez has always loved children. She started baby-sitting when she was nine and dreamed of having a large family when she grew up. After giving birth to two daughters who were each over nine pounds, she realized that her dream might have to be reached through some other means. Like most adoptive families, Gloria and her husband Tony were foster parents before they adopted. As those children they fostered became free for adoption, they made them a permanent part of their family. Now the mother of 15 children (2 birth, 11 adopted and 2 pre-adopt), Gloria’s childhood dream of a large family has come true.

Becky Landenberger also dreamed of having a large family. Years ago one of her (birth) sons wrestled on a team with the son of a former adoption supervisor at Jackson County FIA. When Becky revealed to her friend that she would like to have more children, she was encouraged to adopt a waiting child from the MARE book. Becky, a single mom, is now the proud mother of 12 sons (3 through birth and 9 through adoption) and has children ranging from 20 months to 30 years! Ten live at home with her.

According to the 2000 census, large families, defined as four or more children (birth, step or adopted) living in the home, are on the decrease and accounted for only 6% of all U.S. families who had children. Many larger families include one or more adopted child in the household. To many of us, large families -- especially large adoptive families where often children of different races make them even more noticeable -- are a mystery and something to be slightly feared. They drive extended vans, buy bulk food, and usually have well-behaved children who actually respond to what is asked of them.

When you ask a parent of a large adoptive family the obvious question, “Why so many childre?”, you quickly discover one of the many strengths of large adoptive families—they are child-focused. Go the LAFTER website (Large Adoptive Families Together) and you’ll find under the must read section the following: “We have not added children to our lives, we have made children our lives.” Most parents of large adoptive families do not start with a vision of largeness, its just sort of happens.

Suzanne Rein, who has been an adoption worker for Jackson FIA since 1978, has worked with many large adoptive families, including the Rodriguezes and Landenbergers. She is quick to point out the strengths of those adoptive families who are able to successfully parent multiple children. They include the willingness to see children and accept them as they are, the ability to seek out and utilize community resources effectively and having realistic expectations. She also notes that patience, a good sense of humor and a child centered focus are also common factors that allow parents of large families to make it work. Additionally, Suzanne indicates that large families generally have a lot of support from their immediate and extended family and that when the family has two-parents, the father participates in parenting on an equal basis.

MCI superintendent Bill Johnson grew up in a family where he was the oldest of thirteen children and is personally aware of both the strengths and challenges of large family life. Like Suzanne, Bill sees one of the primary strengths of parents who choose to adopt and parent multiple children is that they are child-centered. “These are parents who are motivated and dedicated to helping children,” says Johnson, “They want to raise children.” Other strengths he sees in large adoptive families is their ability to help a child develop a sense of personal responsibility, social skills, and that child’s ability to reach out and help someone else.

In her book, Raising Adopted Children, Lois Melina echoes much of what Rein and Johnson express. She notes that parents who have adopted large numbers of special needs children tend to have more realistic expectations and are less likely to burn out; they understand their children’s limitations and can take pride in the little, day to day successes of parenting.

For both Gloria and Becky, adding more children to their families is usually not something they plan. Sometimes it’s a child in the MARE book who looks like a good match for their family, or it’s another foster family, neighbor or adoption worker who happens to know of a child in need of a permanent home. “They usually just fall out the sky when you are not looking,” relates Becky, “Its just like it is meant to be.” Gloria also to points out one of the hidden benefits large families provide to children, and that is other children. “There is always someone to play with,” states Gloria, “If child A gets tired of playing with child B, they can go off and play with child C or D. They all learn from and watch out for one another too.”

Becky, Gloria and Tony make it a priority to spend individual time with their children. In the Rodriguez family that means rotating dinner preparations with Gloria, and fishing outings with Tony. Every Sunday the entire family goes out to dinner, and all meals are eaten together at their build in 12-foot dining table. Their older birth daughters and an adoptive son who lives outside of the home provide them with plenty of support, as does both Gloria and Tony’s extended family. For the Rodriguezes structure and routine are the key to making it all work. For Becky, a single mom, providing individualized time for each child is one of her biggest challenges. She relies on her oldest sons to help out, and everyone in the home is expected to pitch in, pick up and watch out for one another. She also relies upon her friend, Joe, to provide a positive male role model to her sons, and Gloria for support and childcare, when needed. All her children are provided with the opportunity for extracurricular activities, and family time is an important part of everyday.

In a recent article in the New York Times magazine entitled The Family Mobile, Melissa Green chronicles the lives of several “mega-adoptive families.” She draws the analogy between building a large adoptive family and creating a hanging mobile; each time a child (or children) is added a disequilibrium is created and the family mobile must rebalance itself. Her unasked question, which begs to be asked is “where is the breaking point?”

Its hard to know how many adoptive children is too many. As Bill Johnson astutely points out, “It is truly up to the family, their worker and the agency to make the decision as to whether to add another child to an already large adoptive family.” Concerns he feels need to be addressed include: what additional demand will the placement put on the family; what are the needs of the adoptive child that is being considered versus what are the needs of the children currently in the home; what is the atmosphere of the adoptive home- are they flexible, structured, patient? He notes that some of the most successful parents of larger adoptive parents specialize in caring for specific types of children; it may be younger, medically fragile, developmentally delayed. Bringing a child into the home that has an entirely different set of care needs may provide more of a challenge to caregivers and affect other children already in the home than is worth the risk. Other indicators would be the background of the child being considered, the child’s ability to handle constant contact with other people, any previous disruptions the family has experienced, and any current behavioral problems demonstrated by the children in the home.

Although many workers feel that children with severe attachment disorders or who are likely to perpetrate on other children do better in smaller families, Suzanne Rein indicates that she has seen all types of children blend well into larger families. The key she feels, is the ability of the caregivers to look at their children in the present and project how an addition to the family will effect them in the future. In her experience, successful parents of large adoptive families tend to know what types of children they can parent and know which types would disrupt the family pattern. “Families who are willing to take any and every child usually develop a stew of issues and stressful family dynamics,” Rein emphasizes, “Families who think they can do it all are usually headed for trouble.”

Recently, FIA amended its adoption policy to include for the more extensive evaluation of larger adoptive family. The guideline does not set a maximum number of children a family can adopt because it was felt that could deprive a waiting child of permanency. In essence the policy looks at families where the number of adopted children who are currently placed, or who will be placed in the home for adoption, is four or more (CFA 732-50). In these cases the family assessment must address whether the family has a thorough understanding and the ability to meet the needs of all the children in the home. Additional references from professionals and service provides who work directly with the family must be secured (in writing or per documented conversation) as to whether the family is able to meet the current needs of children and any additional children being considered. Appropriate references would include pediatricians, therapists, teachers, child care providers, etc. Additionally, the assessment of these families must also look at the families ability to access resources and advocate for their children, and the family’s current support systems.

When asked the magical question “how many is too many,” neither Gloria Rodriguez or Becky Landenberger said they knew because they had not reached that point yet. When asked if they have ever thought they had overdone it, both admitted that every once and a while they have felt that way. For Gloria it is the challenge of her son, Ray, who was “failure to thrive” before he was even born. With multiple behavioral and individual needs, Ray could be a challenge to even a seasoned family like the Rodriguezes. Even though Gloria knows that someday Ray’s needs may become more than her family can handle, she glows as she talks about his numerous accomplishments, is his biggest advocate and protests that he is not a “throw-away kid.” For Becky the pressure of being a single mom to twelve sons can sometimes wear her down. “But things always seem to fall into place,” she admits, “and the positives far outweigh the negatives!”

The Landenberger children enjoy being part of a large family, and most came from large birth or foster families so have adjusted easily. The older adoptive children in the home are quite responsible and Becky feels she can rely on them to be good judges as to whether a new adoptive child would be a good fit. But Becky also knows from experience that all of the children in the home, regardless of how long they have been there, will have adjustment issues when a new child moves in the home. Becky can predict that her sons will regress and act out for 4-5 weeks after a placement; she knows its coming and can prepare for it accordingly.

Gloria too, admits that her older children usually complain when a new child is about to be added to the household, but that the younger children love it and that everyone adjusts once a new addition is made. The Rodriguez children are open about being adopted, are proud to be part of a large, diverse family and sometimes bring homes friends and ask if they can be adopted too. Gloria says she is able to handle the gawks and comments that her large family attracts with ease and that the size of her family has made her somewhat infamous. For Gloria, raising a large family is easy and she says it gets boring when all the children are away at school; she does daycare on the side to keep herself busy.

Resources:

http://www.lafter.org

Raising Adoptive Children; A Manual for Adoptive Parents, by Lois Melina (available through the MARE library).

The Family Mobile, by Melissa Faye Green, New York Times Magazine, August 19, 2001.

Special thanks to Gloria Rodriguez and family, Becky Landenberger and family, Bill Johnson and Suzanne Rein for agreeing to be interviewed for this article.

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Don't Give Up

One Family's Story of Special Needs Adoption in Michigan

Every day, the MARE staff fields calls from families who are interested in all types of adoption – infant, international and special needs. Some have basic questions: “Where do I start?” “What’s a homestudy?” “What does ‘special needs’ mean?” Others have more specific inquiries: “Who can I work with if I want to adopt from China?” or “Why is my homestudy taking so long to complete?”

Other times, we hear from families who want very much to adopt a special needs child, and are running into barriers they can’t seem to overcome. Sometimes, it’s finding the right agency to work with; sometimes, it’s not being able to make contact with the child’s worker. And sometimes...it’s a host of different issues.

Recently, we received a letter from George and Carole Rosenthal, who had contacted the MARE office last year as one of their first steps in the adoption process.

When my husband and I started looking into adopting an older child, we were told by a local agency that once we knew about “system kids” we would do whatever it takes to adopt a newborn. It was very discouraging. Several other agencies we talked to also pushed newborn adoption.

Then I found the phone number for MARE and you become my guiding light. You were very straightforward in talking about what these children had gone through and some of the problems that could be expected, but you also said that these kids deserved a chance, because the situation they were in wasn’t because of something they had done. That these children needed to be loved and wanted and that many of the behaviors were escalated by a lack of belonging to a permanent family (we found this to be very true in our own situation). You gave me the encouragement to call yet another agency, Bethany, and they were able to understand what we were looking for and also provided us encouragement to pursue an older child adoption.

We attended the MARE orientation classes in Benton Harbor last March. It was one of the best things we did to prepare ourselves for adopting an older child. The classes were extremely eye opening, but that’s what needed to prepare you for reality. I am sure that Bev (at the MARE office) can tell you I went through a great number of books from your lending library, but again, that is the best way to prepare for what could potentially happen. I truly believe that the more informed you are as to what may have happened to the kids in the system, the better you are at being able to handle things when/if they do happen and not be “shocked” about the abuse when they talk about it.

The Rosenthals identified a child in the MARE book named Jacob. Jacob was a six-year-old boy whose story listed singing, coloring, playing with race cars, and riding his bike as his favorite activities. His worker also indicated that Jacob had survived a very chaotic past, and could be aggressive and often expressed his anger with hitting or kicking. Jacob enjoyed school and did well academically, but his behavior problems often interfered with his learning. The Rosenthals were not deterred – in fact, they were quite determined to make Jacob a part of their family.

He was a “system kid” that we found in the MARE book. We knew from the minute we saw his picture, that he was the one. Based on what you told us, we didn’t get our hopes up too high, until his caseworker told us he was available and thought we would make a great family. We were ecstatic. After having gone through the MARE classes, pre-adoption classes at Bethany and the extensive reading, we felt comfortable that we could deal with any problems Jacob had after reading his background information and meeting with his caseworker and therapist.

The Rosenthals began preparing for the addition to their family, but their excitement was short-lived.

Then our world fell apart. While his caseworker was trying to set up a time for us to meet Jacob, his foster father decided to keep him. It was determined that even though they thought we would be a good family for Jacob, he should stay with his foster father because he was comfortable there (he had lived there for 2 years) and based on his behaviors, he would most likely go into a rage if he was moved. We were devastated.

It can be easy for a family to identify and fall in love with a child. They begin to feel as though the child is already a part of their family, and when setbacks such as these occur, the disappointment can be overwhelming. The Rosenthals didn’t give up, though...

Then 9 days later, his caseworker called us back to tell us that the foster father had changed his mind and no longer wanted to keep him. Then she asked me if were still interested. I told the caseworker that we could be there in 3 hours (Bridgman to Pontiac) to pick him up if necessary. She figured that would be our answer.

We had a couple of visits, then on August 12th we finally got to bring “our son” home. It was one of the happiest days of our lives.

While Jacob was living in their home, and the Rosenthals were building their “forever family,” there were still bumps in the road.

You would think that it was smooth sailing from here, but it wasn’t. Even though we were now “Mom” and “Dad,” there were several problems with the adoption paperwork, and it wasn’t until December 17th that the petition was actually filed, which is why it took so long for this to be final.

On June 11, 2002, the adoption of our son, Jacob, was confirmed.

I waited to send you this thank you, as I wanted to show you the “FINAL” results of your encouragement and support. We are forever grateful to you. The State of Michigan should be very proud that they have such caring, compassionate people helping families hoping to adopt.

Sincerely, George and Carole Rosenthal, and Jacob, too!

To the Rosenthals – and all families whose lives have been touched by adoption – we say thank you for your kindness, patience, generosity of spirit, and dedication to children.