by Steve York
exerpts from a presentation by Sharon LaNoue, MSW and Diana DiTrapani, MSW/CSW, and from the PATH Curriculum

The June 2003 edition of MARE’s agency newsletter “Recruitment News,” featured an article about the importance of preparing children for recruitment. In this issue we will discuss preparing children and families for their initial visits, as well as ways that families can help children become part of the family.

It may be helpful to remind families to be prepared for mixed reactions on the part of the child. While adoptive families and social workers tend to think of adoption as a joyful process, it may trigger a variety of feelings and reactions from the child. Children in foster care are all at varying stages of grieving significant losses: being separated from birth family members, having to move to a new neighborhood or school, and the prospect of being separated from their current caregivers. All of these losses combined may begin to feel overwhelming, and what should be a positive experience (adoption) now triggers feelings of anger, hurt, and anxiety. Even though the child may be excited about joining a permanent family, he or she may also experience anger and sadness – natural and healthy emotions that are part of the grieving process of losing their current family.

It will be important for workers to facilitate good communication between all parties involved as the visitation and adoption process moves forward. It is often much easier for the child to transfer his or her attachment with the foster parents to the adoptive parents if the child can see that the foster parents approve of the plan. Prospective adoptive families need to understand that adoption is a continuation of the child’s life, which they now share with others (birth family members, the foster family, etc.) The child’s attachments to others should not be feared or discouraged, but rather, those attachments should be appreciated because it shows that the child does have the ability to form attachments and will likely be able to form an attachment with the adoptive family as well.

With young children, initial visits should take place in the child’s foster home with the foster parent and adoption worker present. This can help the child feel as secure as possible. With older children, visits may occur in an office or some other neutral location. During the first visit, the interactions between the child and the adoptive parents must take place at the child’s pace in order to help encourage the child’s trust. It is not yet time for the adoptive family to give the child the message that they want the child to become part of the family. Nothing is definite at this point, and if the adoptive family were to make a decision to not proceed with placement, it would mean yet another loss and rejection for the child. It should also be noted that it is generally not advisable to include other children of the adoptive family in the first few visits with the child. There will be time to introduce the child to the family at a later date.

Workers should encourage families to voice any reservations or concerns about the child to the adoption worker at any time during the visitation process; however, this should absolutely not be done in the presence of the child. The child is already in a heightened state of anxiety and will hear and remember what is said. After two or three visits (more or less depending on the individuals involved,) the adoption worker will speak individually with all parties involved and a decision will be made as to how the case will proceed. If the plan is to pursue adoptive placement, this is the time for the family to give the child the message that “we want you to be our child.”

Once the child moves in to the new home, it will be important for the adoptive family to help the child feel a sense of belonging and provide opportunities for the child and family to build attachments to each other.

Providing a safe environment for children to share their thoughts and feelings is one way to help a child become a part of the family. Since most of these children have experienced some kind of trauma that brought them in to foster care, they are often carrying the pain of unresolved anger and feelings of rejection. Some children may be ready to talk about the past while others are not; however, a calm and non-judgmental environment in which children can share their history – in their own time – can help the adoptive family and the child to build attachments with one another. This gives the child the message that the family cares about them and wants to share in the child’s pain and grief.

Helping a child to create a lifebook (if he/she doesn’t already have one) is another way for families and children to begin building attachments to one another. Encouraging the child to keep a journal or write letters can also be effective. These tools and techniques address common themes in helping children to form attachments including (but not limited to:)

• providing an accurate chronology of the child’s life
• helping the child to feel good about himself/herself and develop a positive self image
• helping the child to grieve past separations and losses,
• helping the child to feel safe enough to form new attachments

Other techniques to help the child feel part of the adoptive family can include:

• allowing the child to participate in decorating his/her bedroom to give a sense of ownership,
• posting general “household rules” so the child knows what the expectations are in his/her new home,
• giving the child an opportunity to “take care of” the family by running an errand, helping to cook a meal, etc.

Adoption is a process of many steps for everyone involved – the child, the family and the worker. Preparing children well for recruitment (as discussed in the previous issue of Recruitment News) lays the foundation for preparing them for visits with the prospective adoptive family. The worker also offers guidance to the adoptive family as they visit with the child, and again as the child moves into the home. The responsibilities of the worker are numerous and often vital to the success of the adoptive placement. Workers must facilitate each step with great care and thorough preparation in order to affect the best possible outcome for the child who is waiting for permanency.