by Carole Benkleman, MARE Student Intern

Bonding and Attachment. Although these two words are often used interchangeably, they actually have two distinct meanings. Bonding is the instinctive desire felt primarily by a pregnant woman toward her unborn child. A biological father may also experience bonding during the pregnancy. These feelings continue through the birth of the child and for the first few days of life. The concept of bonding came into popularity in the late 1970's, and with it came positive changes. Most hospitals changed their rules regarding the presence of the father during their baby's birth, and "rooming-in" policies now allow the baby to be in the same room with the mother after delivery.

Attachment is the growth and development of positive loving feelings between the parent and the child. It does not occur suddenly. Attachment is a process which takes place over many years of a child's early development. A child receives what is needed to live and grow, while the parents meet their own needs to provide, protect and guide. John Bowlby, considered by many to be the "father of the attachment movement," has said that attachment provides the foundation for a child's development. Whether we trust others or not, whether we anticipate love or rejection, whether we feel good about ourselves - all these feelings have their beginnings in our early attachment experiences.

At about 6 months of age, an infant begins to develop selective attachment, showing a preference for different people at different times. When hungry, a child may prefer to be held and fed the mother. If the child is bored and wants to play, a preference for the company of the father may be exhibited. Stranger anxiety also begins to develop around this age. An infant begins to form a hierarchy of preferred relationships and its attachments to others can be of varying quality. Just as adults show preferences in relationships, so does an infant. The infant is capable of developing and distinguishing relationships with many different caregivers such as grandparents, older siblings, and even the baby-sitter.

When problems arise within the parent-child attachment relationship, a child's development can be seriously disrupted. Babies experience attachment with their primary caregiver as necessary for survival. Loss of the primary attachment figure (usually the mother) represents a loss of everything to a child. Other caregivers can provide food and warmth, but a child's deep fears can only be soothed by the presence of their attachment relationship. When the attachment relationship with the primary caregiver is damaged or broken, an infant can experience a sense of loss and emotional and behavioral distress.

If a baby is separated from its primary caregiver and placed in a new environment, the loss may manifest itself in physical problems that can be of great concern to the new caregivers. During the first six months of life these physical problems can include refusal to eat, spitting up, chronic diarrhea, difficulty sleeping, crying for no apparent reason, or in extreme cases, failure to thrive. In the second six months, distress can be shown by a searching behavior, lack of vitality, frequent illness and accidents, weight loss, or even facial and body expressions that indicate sadness.

Still, children are incredibly resilient. When placed in a home with loving understanding parents, evidence suggests that the majority of these children adjust quite normally. The child who has been able to form attachments in the past will form new attachments more easily than the child who has never felt an attachment. It is not possible to predict how long it will take for the child to form an attachment. One can't expect the child to immediately transfer feelings of attachment from the primary caregiver to the new parent. It may take weeks, months, or a year or longer. The new parents probably won't form an attachment at the same rate or in the same way either. Attachment, like love, takes time to grow and develop.

Children adopted during the preschool years are able to remember meaningful or hurtful relationships in the past. They have words to communicate to their new parents but it may be difficult for them to express what they are feeling. Young children are usually not able to say "I feel depressed," or "I feel something is missing." These feelings are often expressed in some physical manner such as bed wetting or tantrums. Children adopted as toddlers will do better in homes where the parents have a good marital relationship and a nurturing home environment. The new parents need to be sensitive to the child's grieving process. The child may openly grieve the loss of an earlier caretaker for some time. The adjustment can be made easier if the child is given opportunities to talk or express feelings in an open and non defensive way.

It is often true that the longer a child lives with its first attachment figure, the greater the emotional distress will be when they are forced to separate. The manifestation of grief in middle childhood can include confusion, occasional sadness, social withdrawal, or periodic outbursts of frustration or anger. A traumatic grief reaction may include shock, deep depression, uncontrollable crying, or intense rage. Health professionals have long known that people must go through a grieving process when they experience a major loss. The loss of a child's primary attachment figure can be a time wrought with grief.

Although a child needs to go through this period of grief when separated from their primary caregiver, they can receive strength from other positive relationships. Recent research has shown these other relationships could be the greatest help in overcoming the loss the child is experiencing. Even if it is a relative the child sees only occasionally, the knowledge that someone cares will help the child feel connected. Studies of resiliency have shown that when a child has such a person in their life, it can make an enormous difference in self-confidence and the ability to overcome adversity. This can also be a time when sibling bonds become strong. Sisters and brothers may pull together when experiencing a major change in their lives such as adoption. This "togetherness" can help provide strength for the future.

When parents adopt a child who is coping with attachment and loss issues, they should not wait for a crisis to develop. Insecurely attached children need to be reached before adolescence, because it is in childhood that change is most easily accomplished. Family counseling may be necessary for the family to adjust and for the adoption to be successful.

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