by Beverly Belcher

In August 1998, the North American Council on Adoptable Children (NACAC) held their annual conference in Cincinnati, OH. One of the many workshops offered was entitled "Responding to Adoptive Families in Crisis" and was presented by Dee A. Paddock, M.A., a psychotherapist, consultant, and speaker from Highlands Ranch, CO. MARE staff member Beverly Belcher attended this workshop and offers this summary:

Creating a family through birth is so common that there is not much to say that hasn't already been said. On the other hand, creating a family through adoption opens up the floodgate to so many myths and misconceptions. A common misconception held by many people is that the ideal family begins with a heterosexual two-parent household with two children and a golden retriever; even though, according to Paddock, less than 40% of families today have such a beginning. While creating a family through birth is an almost universally accepted event, creating a family through adoption sometimes lurks in the shadows and arouses a variety of responses from others which may include everything from "I'm sorry you couldn't have children of your own," to "You must be crazy!"

Adoption is rarely one's first choice in building a family, and mixed emotions about adoption can undermine the relationships between agencies and families. Dee Paddock says that one of the most important strategies for the professional to use when working with a family is to put themselves in the shoes of each potential adoptive family. In other words, view the adoption process from the perspective of the family. Potential adoptive families are forced to trust their adoption worker. These families are vulnerable clients in an unequal relationship. The family is dependent upon the adoption worker and may even be paying for their services. Consequently, agency professionals have a special responsibility because of their client's dependence in these relationships.

It is especially important to keep in mind the families perspective when workers are assisting families in crisis. "It is vital for the worker to approach the family with the mindset of a student," said Paddock. "You (the worker) are there to learn from them. The voice of their lived experience is their reality." As an experienced adoptive parent, Paddock says that grief, trauma, anxiety, hurt, suffering, rage, fear, and "burn-out" are all issues with which foster and adoptive families are coping. As a result, these families are prone to crises.

Adoption professionals need to keep in mind that when foster or adoptive parents are angry and/or frustrated and are in the midst of crisis, they may act out emotionally. When the family phones the worker to say "I do not want this child. Come and get him!," what the parent is really saying is "I need help because my tank is empty." The parent cannot feed the child on an empty tank; therefore, the adoption professional needs to fill the parent(s) so the parent(s) can feed the child. Many times during a crisis call, a family is not necessarily looking for an answer or "quick fix," but rather, they often just want someone to listen.

The adoption professional has a unique place in helping the family through each stage of the crisis. The first step is helping the family absorb the initial shock of the crisis. How is this done?

1. Acknowledge the problem: Descend into the darkness with the family; shine a light on all that is primitive, suppressed, denied, rationalized, or disguised in adoption.
2. Listen: Close your mouth and sit on your hands. Breathe and be present. You (the professional) earn the right to speak only after you have listened, then,
3. Ask the right questions: What do you need right now? What is your biggest concern right now? What are the obstacles right now? What will happen if you don't solve this problem?
4. Believe the family: Begin with empathy, not sympathy. Stand in the shoes of the family. You don't have to agree with what the family is doing, but you do need to believe in them.
5. Teach: Help the family anticipate crisis. Tell stories as opposed to a straight presentation of facts. Keep in mind that healing stories aren't always "happily-ever-after" stories. Then help the family absorb the aftershock of the crisis.
6. Keep listening: You don't necessarily have their answer, but you are still present to them.
7. Continue asking: How are you?. What is working for you right now?
8. Continue believing: Assure the family that their feelings and experiences are real.
9. Encourage awakening: Remind families that they will survive this crisis. They will grow scars, but they will be stronger. Love can not fix everything. Remember that adoption is a process, not a single event.
10. Teach sacrifice: this experience is sacred. Assure the family that it's o.k. if they are not always in control. They will make mistakes, and they have many options from which to choose.

While all of this is happening, Paddock says it's important for workers to help families keep the situation in perspective and to be realistic. "Let's face it," Paddock said, "kids are not instinctively grateful. These children wish their lives had turned out differently. Stealing, lying, fire setting and hurting animals are not just symptoms of a conduct disorder. These actions come from a deep fear that anyone who loves them will ultimately hurt them. Love will not erase a painful past."

Paddock indicates that trauma can also exist in children who were adopted as infants. The extent to which that trauma is acted out may not be as severe; however, all adopted children have adoption issues that they will likely need to address at some point in their lives. That is why it is so important for adoption professionals to find a way to remain connected to the family after the adoption is finalized. Long-term support is necessary to help these families remain intact.

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Finding Families for Teens: They Really Are Out There!

The majority of children in Michigan over the age of 14 who are permanent wards do not have adoption as their federal goal; however, over 21 % of the waiting children in the MARE photolisting book are in this age category. The importance of having the support of family into and throughout adulthood cannot be overstated. In fact, it has been proven that there is a strong correlation between a person's lack of family guidance and subsequent contact with the corrections system. Given the importance of having the support of a family throughout one's lifetime, how do we as adoption professionals recruit permanent families for children who are well on their way to becoming adults?

The Adoption Center of Delaware Valley in Philadelphia, PA recently received a grant to develop strategies for recruiting permanent families for teenagers. The Center identified several key elements in finding families for older children, including:

• Dispel the myths about adopting teenagers. The Center created several brochures, handouts, and information packets aimed at explaining the importance of providing permanent homes for waiting children.
• Involve the teen as part of the recruitment team.
• Recruit in the child's circle of interaction, i.e. school, coaches, teen centers, group homes, past foster families, etc.
• Have regular meetings to develop, review, and measure the progress of the recruitment plan.
• Target different audiences via the Internet, events such as fairs and expos, and specialty magazines and newsletters. Don't forget to revisit past leads that may not have worked out at the time.
• Involve the entire agency in the recruitment process. The more people who are involved in finding a family for a child, the more likely it is that a family will be found.
• Develop a network of adoption advocates including the child's attorney, Court-Appointed Special Advocates (CASA's), and Foster Care Review Boards and other adoption service providers.

In addition to the work of recruiting families for teens, The Adoption Center also noted the importance of supporting the child during the process of waiting for a family. Workers can support the waiting teen by:

• Keeping a positive attitude about the goal of adoption. If the worker does not believe a permanent home can be found, chances are one will not be found.
• Providing opportunities for peer support via support groups with other waiting teens and/or teens who have already been placed for adoption.
• Helping the teen to maintain past relationships, both biological and foster.
• Developing on-going support such as respite services, school support, and therapy.
  The conclusions reached by The Adoption Center were:
• The most likely place to find permanent homes for teens is among those who already knew the teen, and
• The key to finding a home for a waiting teen was to listen to what the child has to say. As one waiting teen put it "You always need a place to go home to."

The information from this article comes from a recent conference workshop presented by the National Adoption Center. If you would like copies of the handouts from this presentation, please contact MARE at (800) 589-6273.