by Kirsta Grapentine

Gloria Rodriguez has always loved children. She started babysitting at nine years old and dreamed of having a large family when she grew up. After giving birth to two daughters, each weighing over nine pounds, she realized that her plans might have to be realized through other means. Like many adoptive families, Gloria and her husband Tony were foster parents first. As the children whom they fostered became free for adoption, the Rodriguezes made them a permanent part of their family through adoption. Now the mother of 15 children (2 birth, 11 adopted and 2 in pre-adopt status,) Gloria’s dream of a large family has most definitely come true.

Becky Landenberger also dreamed of having a large family. Years ago one of her sons was on a wrestling team with the son of a former adoption supervisor at Jackson County FIA. When Becky revealed to her friend that she would like to have more children, she was encouraged to adopt a waiting child from the MARE book. Becky, a single mom, is now the proud mother of 12 sons (3 through birth and 9 through adoption) and has children ranging from 20 months to 30 years! Ten of her children still live at home with her.

According to the 2000 census the number of large families (defined as four or more children - birth, step or adopted - living in the home,) are steadily decreasing and account for only 6% of all U.S. families with children. Many larger families include one or more adopted child in the household. To many of us, large families - especially large adoptive families where often children of different races make them even more noticeable - are a mystery and something to be slightly feared. They drive extended-length vans, buy bulk food, and usually have well-behaved children who actually respond to what is asked of them.

Most parents of large adoptive families will say that they did not start with a vision of "largeness," it just sort of happened. When you ask a parent of a large adoptive family the obvious question of why they have so many children, you will quickly discover one of the many strengths of large adoptive families: they are child-focused. In fact, if you go to the "must read" page of the Large Adoptive Families Together (LAFTER) web site (www.lafter.org) you will find the following statement: "We have not added children to our lives, we have made children our lives."

Suzanne Rein, an adoption worker for Jackson FIA since 1978, has worked with many large adoptive families, including the Rodriguezes and Landenbergers. She is quick to point out the strengths of those families who are most able to successfully raise multiple children. They include the willingness to see and accept children as they are, the ability to seek out and utilize community resources effectively, and having realistic expectations. She also notes that patience, a good sense of humor and a child-centered focus are also common factors that allow parents of large families to make it work. Additionally, Suzanne indicates that large families generally have a lot of support from their immediate and extended family members and that in cases when the adoptive family has two-parents, the father participates in parenting on an equal basis.

MCI superintendent Bill Johnson grew up as the oldest of thirteen children and is personally aware of both the strengths and challenges of large family life. Like Suzanne Rein, Johnson sees one of the primary strengths of parents who choose to adopt and parent multiple children is that they are child-centered. "These are parents who are motivated and dedicated to helping children," says Johnson, "They want to raise children." Other strengths he sees in large adoptive families is their ability to help develop in a child a sense of personal responsibility, social skills, and to foster and encourage the child’s ability to reach out and help someone else.

In her book, Raising Adopted Children, Lois Melina echoes much of what Rein and Johnson express. She notes that parents who have adopted large numbers of special needs children tend to have more realistic expectations and are less likely to burn out. They understand their children’s limitations and can take pride in the small, day-to-day successes of parenting.

For both Gloria and Becky, adding more children to their families is usually not something they plan. Sometimes it’s a child in the MARE book who looks like a good match for their family, or it’s another foster family, neighbor or adoption worker who happens to know of a child in need of a permanent home. "They usually just fall out the sky when you are not looking," says Becky. "It's just like it is meant to be." Gloria also points out one of the hidden benefits large families provide to children - other children in the home. "There is always someone to play with," Gloria says. "If child A gets tired of playing with child B, they can go off and play with child C or D. They all learn from and watch out for one another too."

The Rodriguez and Landenberger families make it a priority to spend individual time with their children. In the Rodriquez family that means rotating dinner preparations with Gloria and fishing outings with Tony. Every Sunday the entire family goes out to dinner, and all meals are eaten together at their 12-foot custom-built dining table. Their older birth daughters and an adoptive son who lives outside of the home provide them with plenty of support, as does both Gloria and Tony’s extended family. For the Rodriguezes structure and routine are the key to making it all work. For Becky, a single mom, providing individualized time for each child is one of her biggest challenges. She relies on her oldest sons to help out, and everyone in the home is expected to pitch in, pick up and watch out for one another. She also relies upon her friend Joe to provide a positive male role model to her sons and Gloria for support and childcare, when needed. All of her children are provided with the opportunity for extracurricular activities, and family time is an important part of everyday.

In a recent article in the New York Times magazine entitled The Family Mobile, Melissa Green chronicles the lives of several "mega-adoptive families." She draws the analogy between building a large adoptive family and creating a hanging mobile; each time a child (or children) is added a disequilibrium is created and the family mobile must rebalance itself. Her unasked question, which begs to be asked is "where is the breaking point?"

Its hard to know how many adoptive children is too many. As MCI Superintendent Bill Johnson astutely points out, "It is truly up to the family, their worker and the agency to make the decision as to whether to add another child to an already large adoptive family." Concerns he feels need to be addressed include: what additional demand will the placement put on the family; what are the needs of the adoptive child that is being considered versus what the needs are of the children currently in the home; and what is the atmosphere of the adoptive home - are they flexible, structured, and patient? Johnson notes that some of the most successful parents of larger adoptive families specialize in caring for specific types of children. It may be younger children, medically fragile children, or children who are developmentally delayed. Bringing a child into the home that already has an entirely different set of care needs may result in a greater challenge to caregivers than what was expected and could potentially have an adverse affect on the children already in the home. Other considerations would be the background of the child who is potentially joining the family, that child’s ability to handle constant contact with other people, any previous disrupted placements the family has experienced, and any current behavioral problems demonstrated by the children currently in the home.

Although many workers feel that children with severe attachment disorders or those who are likely to perpetrate on other children do better in smaller families, Suzanne Rein indicates that she has seen all types of children blend well into larger families. The key, she feels, is the ability of the caregivers to look at their children in the present and project how an addition to the family will affect them in the future. In Rein's experience, successful parents of large adoptive families tend to know what types of children they can parent and perhaps more importantly, know which types of children would disrupt the family routine. "Families who are willing to take any and every child usually develop a stew of issues and stressful family dynamics," Rein emphasizes. "Families who think they can do it all are usually headed for trouble."

Recently, FIA amended its adoption policy to require a more extensive evaluation of a larger adoptive family. The guideline does not set a maximum number of children a family can adopt because it was felt that it could deprive a waiting child of permanency. In essence the policy looks at families where the number of adopted children who are currently placed, or who will be placed in the home for adoption, is four or more (CFA 732-50). In these cases the family assessment must address whether the family has a thorough understanding of and the ability to meet the needs of all the children in the home. Additional references from professionals and service provides who work directly with the family must be secured (in writing or per documented conversation) as to whether the family is able to meet the current needs of children and the needs of any additional children being considered. Appropriate references would include pediatricians, therapists, teachers, child care providers, etc. Additionally, the assessment of these families must also look at the families' ability to access resources and advocate for their children, and the family’s current support systems.

When asked the question "How many is too many?" neither Gloria Rodriguez nor Becky Landenberger said they knew the answer because they had not yet reached that point. When asked if they have ever thought they had over done it, both admitted that every once in a while they have felt that way. For Gloria it is the challenge of her son Ray, a child who was diagnosed as "Failure to Thrive" before he was even born. With multiple behavioral and individual needs, Ray can be challenging, even to a seasoned family like the Rodriguezes. Even though Gloria knows that someday Ray’s needs may become more than her family can handle, she glows as she talks about his numerous accomplishments. She is his biggest advocate and protests that he is not a "throw-away kid." For Becky the pressure of being a single mom to twelve sons can sometimes wear her down, "but things always seem to fall into place," she admits. "And the positives far outweigh the negatives!"

The Landenberger children enjoy being part of a large family, and most of them came from large birth or foster families so they have adjusted easily. The older adoptive children in the home are quite responsible and Becky feels she can rely on them to be good sounding boards regarding whether a new adoptive child would be a good fit in their family. But Becky also knows from experience that all of the children in the home, regardless of how long they have been there, will have adjustments to make when a new child moves in the home. Becky can predict from experience that her sons will regress and act out for 4-5 weeks after a placement; she knows its coming and can prepare for it accordingly.

Gloria too, admits that her older children usually complain when a new child is about to be added to the household, but that the younger children love it and that everyone adjusts once a new addition is made. The Rodriguez children are open about being adopted, are proud to be part of a large and diverse family, and sometimes bring home friends and ask if they can be adopted too! Gloria says she is able to handle with ease the gawks and comments that her large family attracts, and that the size of her family has made her somewhat famous in her community. For Gloria, raising a large family is easy and she says it gets boring when all the children are away at school. In fact, she also provides daycare to other children, “to keep myself busy!"

Resources:

• www.lafter.org
• Raising Adoptive Children; A Manual for Adoptive Parents, by Lois Melina (Available through the MARE resource library)
• The Family Mobile, by Melissa Faye Green, New York Times Magazine, August 19, 2001
• Special thanks to Gloria Rodriguez and family, Becky Landenberger and family, Bill Johnson and Suzanne Rein for agreeing to be interviewed for this article.