| |
Recruitment News
July, 2003
Introducing a Child to the Family
excerpts from a presentation by Sharon LaNoue, MSW and Diana
DiTrapani, MSW/CSW, and from the PATH Curriculum
The June 2003 edition of “Recruitment News,” featured an
article about the importance of preparing children for recruitment. In
this issue we will discuss preparing children and families for their initial
visits, as well as ways that families can help children become part of
the family.
It may be helpful to remind families to be prepared for mixed reactions
on the part of the child. While adoptive families and social workers tend
to think of adoption as a joyful process, it may trigger a variety of
feelings and reactions from the child. Children in foster care are all
at varying stages of grieving significant losses: being separated from
birth family members, having to move to a new neighborhood or school,
and the prospect of being separated from their current caregivers. All
of these losses combined may begin to feel overwhelming, and what should
be a positive experience (adoption) now triggers feelings of anger, hurt,
and anxiety. Even though the child may be excited about joining a permanent
family, he or she may also experience anger and sadness – natural
and healthy emotions that are part of the grieving process of losing their
current family.
It will be important for workers to facilitate good communication between
all parties involved as the visitation and adoption process moves forward.
It is often much easier for the child to transfer his or her attachment
with the foster parents to the adoptive parents if the child can see that
the foster parents approve of the plan. Prospective adoptive families
need to understand that adoption is a continuation of the child’s
life, which they now share with others (birth family members, the foster
family, etc.) The child’s attachments to others should not be feared
or discouraged, but rather, those attachments should be appreciated because
it shows that the child does have the ability to form attachments and
will likely be able to form an attachment with the adoptive family as
well.
With young children, initial visits should take place in the child’s
foster home with the foster parent and adoption worker present. This can
help the child feel as secure as possible. With older children, visits
may occur in an office or some other neutral location. During the first
visit, the interactions between the child and the adoptive parents must
take place at the child’s pace in order to help encourage the child’s
trust. It is not yet time for the adoptive family to give the child the
message that they want the child to become part of the family. Nothing
is definite at this point, and if the adoptive family were to make a decision
to not proceed with placement, it would mean yet another loss and rejection
for the child. It should also be noted that it is generally not advisable
to include other children of the adoptive family in the first few visits
with the child. There will be time to introduce the child to the family
at a later date.
Workers should encourage families to voice any reservations or concerns
about the child to the adoption worker at any time during the visitation
process; however, this should absolutely not be done in the presence of
the child. The child is already in a heightened state of anxiety and will
hear and remember what is said. After two or three visits (more or less
depending on the individuals involved,) the adoption worker will speak
individually with all parties involved and a decision will be made as
to how the case will proceed. If the plan is to pursue adoptive placement,
this is the time for the family to give the child the message that “we
want you to be our child.”
Once the child moves in to the new home, it will be important for the
adoptive family to help the child feel a sense of belonging and provide
opportunities for the child and family to build attachments to each other.
Providing a safe environment for children to share their thoughts and
feelings is one way to help a child become a part of the family. Since
most of these children have experienced some kind of trauma that brought
them in to foster care, they are often carrying the pain of unresolved
anger and feelings of rejection. Some children may be ready to talk about
the past while others are not; however, a calm and non-judgmental environment
in which children can share their history – in their own time –
can help the adoptive family and the child to build attachments with one
another. This gives the child the message that the family cares about
them and wants to share in the child’s pain and grief.
Helping a child to create a lifebook (if he/she doesn’t already
have one) is another way for families and children to begin building attachments
to one another. Encouraging the child to keep a journal or write letters
can also be effective. These tools and techniques address common themes
in helping children to form attachments including (but not limited to:)
- providing an accurate chronology of the child’s life
- helping the child to feel good about himself/herself and develop
a positive self image
- helping the child to grieve past separations and losses,
- helping the child to feel safe enough to form new attachments
Other techniques to help the child feel part of the adoptive family
can include:
- allowing the child to participate in decorating his/her bedroom to
give a sense of ownership,
- posting general “household rules” so the child knows
what the expectations are in his/her new home,
- giving the child an opportunity to “take care of” the
family by running an errand, helping to cook a meal, etc.
Adoption is a process of many steps for everyone involved – the
child, the family and the worker. Preparing children well for recruitment
(as discussed in the previous issue of Recruitment News) lays the foundation
for preparing them for visits with the prospective adoptive family. The
worker also offers guidance to the adoptive family as they visit with
the child, and again as the child moves into the home. The responsibilities
of the worker are numerous and often vital to the success of the adoptive
placement. Workers must facilitate each step with great care and thorough
preparation in order to affect the best possible outcome for the child
who is waiting for permanency.
|